“when are you coming back? my dear son”, those were the words of my mom
“Mom, maybe next year”, I blushed it all off
I remember that night clearly
You called to find out when I would make it back home
I didn’t give you a proper reply
I was too wasted in the states
I got a very nice job
But kept it concealed from you
I guess I drew a blank that mother’s hold us dear to their hearts
You called several times
I never picked
Because I thought you had become an obstacle to my juvenescence
You wrote letters
I never wrote back
Your eagerness would even move the most obdurate heart
But it never moved mine

Until one day
I received a call from a relation
They said you had taken your last on earth
I was devastated and only stood like a mannequin
That’s when I knew my hopelessness had creeped in again
Tears flooded down my cheeks
I realized all the wrong, I had done
In that split moment
Shame and guilt drowned me up
I remembered how you had to immolate your acting dreams just for my studies
I was deeply dispirited
Only if I had talked to you
Listened to you
Helped you
reciprocated your love
You wouldn’t have kicked the bucket
You are dead and I’m sorry

Her eyes and hair screamed perfection
Her scented touch was mesmerizing
I recall that I had broken her heart, twenty times
She kept count every time
She still forgave me for my promiscuity
I couldn’t afford to lose her
To anyone neither no one
I was for many
She was for no one
Just for me
Unfulfilled promises, deception, fake remorse and cheating
Is what defined me
But she still loved me unconditionally
It was twenty-five now, I broke it again
This time she couldn’t run for me anymore
“I’m sorry but this is the limit”, consumed with pain and anger
She walked away
I felt no remorse
After all I was a Casanova
Left shattered but couldn’t accept it
“l’m a big man in town, a Casanova”
Days became night and nights darker

A month passed
My heart still fisted by my ego
Leaving in denial
I trembled
Caught up in my retrospection
While I looked at our photos
Time seemed to have moved slower than ever
Without her

One day, I got a call from heaven
A call that would maybe change it all
It was, “her”
Her voice was the sweetest
I missed her so much but I couldn’t avow
I was furious not with her
But how could she leave me?
“If the world was ending you would come over right? Right?”,
Her tears dropped down with a faint smile
That silently screamed through my phone
Ruled by my pride
I shouted at her
I could sense it in her voice
That she was heartbroken yet again
The call from heaven ceased

Days later
She decided to join her ancestors
As fast as lightening
The melancholy of my heart couldn’t compare with anything else in this world
Her voice still echoed in my head
Despite her departure
Throughout all the seasons of the year
I became delusional
Jammed with so much consciousness

I decided to turn over a new leaf
She loved me whole heartedly, I loved her half heartedly
She understood me, I misunderstood her
She was loyal, I was disloyal and took advantage
I only filled her with pain, she gave me happiness
If only I had done the necessary
You wouldn’t have ended up on the wrong side of the grass
Peace be upon you beyond the veil
Death can take away unannounced
As they say
“You will only realize the value of some people when they are no more”
If presence can’t make a difference then absence will
You are dead and am sorry my love
Forgive me, I’m filled with misery
Hope to see you beyond the stars

After so much loss
I realize I lost it all
Not just once but twice
You’re all dead and am sorry