It took me many years to build these walls
So, it won’t be easy to take them down.
I have trouble letting people in
I struggle with sharing deeply personal thoughts and feelings.
I’m really hard to love
I would like to believe that.
The thing is, opening up about my feelings
It is like climbing Mount Everest
You might die along the way
But if you’re lucky enough you might make it to the top
And that’s when I might open up –
A little.
I long for close relationships but also
I fear trusting others and getting hurt
I’ve hurt a lot of my partners
but I never meant to.
They wanted to depend on me
They would try anything to get me to tell them I cared.
I avoided sharing my feelings
Coz I was scared
That they would want to control me.
Coz I was scared
That they would ask for more than I could give.
Coz I was scared
That I Would scare them away.
I’m afraid of the Thought of me
Being clingy.
I’m petrified of depending on my partner.
I’m so lonely inside for a relationship where I could be more authentic.
But I fear what it would mean
Will I be able to be real? Or
Feel the same?
If they knew how I actually felt.
I’ve created many fantasies
In my head where
I am everything you wanted in a man:
Open, vulnerable, caring and loving.
In a way you want
I wish you could understand how uncomfortable
I get every time someone shares their feelings
With me.