The only man I love
It was as if my childhood dream came true
Something that I always kept within me with a lock and key.
No one knew nor would they have understood.
As I walked through the journey of so called “life” I’ve met a few individuals that either taught me a lesson or was the lesson themselves.
Finally I happened to bump into you…
I didn’t understand neither did I bother…
I still remember how I disliked you but liked you in a way…unfortunately it wasnt
Our time as yet..
Days…weeks…and months went by…
We spoke …but very little..
People passed away ,I was shattered and torn …broken if I have to say the most.
It was as if I had no one to turn to nor I had anyone to talk my feelings.
People , fake friends , relatives where like a passing storm , there for the moment and gone the next .
Just then a very unplanned day…not even a special day..
I thought of you…
A friend
At that time so I thought
At that moment I was heart broken and mature enough to handle everything myself.
My life lesson was to figure out and deal with things that happened all by my self
I was about to give up I had literally nothing to live for
I had felt as if God himself didn’t want to have nothing to do with a failure let alone a disappointment to my family.
I was in this dark place doing the wrong things at the wrong time …
Just to take u back abit …
Remember when I met “him”???
I was immature , I didnt know what life was as a grown up , I lived my life for the moment making stupid mistakes as any teen would , but me … it was as life through a pie in my face and told me to grow the hell up .
At this point in my life I was lost , alone , depressed and had nothing to live for I was no one … darkness hovered over me as if I was in an animation where this dark Grey cloud had taken over every light in my life and just made a once happy person a sad and depressed loner .
I had just broken up with someone who at that time cheated on me .
The problem with me was that I trusted to easily and loved to hard …
I was naive let alone tried to fit in a world that wasn’t meant for me .
Until this one very ordinary day when I saw him again .
It was as an ordinary day as any other.
I met u again …
We chatted we spent some time together as “friends”
We didn’t know much about each other but it was as if we knew each other for years …
Then and there ….
They talk about the “zing” the one moment in life the only one feeling in your entire life that you would ever feel for the only one that is meant for you.
Yes..
He was my zing …
Right then and there I knew he was the one, the only one I would love , the only one I would ever love for the rest of eternity ….
Everything was perfect..
Everything was amazing …
Until my darkness caught up with me …
Until my insecurities started eating me alive .
Until I watched him look at others that made my self esteem drop to a nil.
I left it I didnt bother so I said to myself ..
He always told me I was beautiful he always gave me compliments …
Until the looks became talking …
Our hourly phone calls became minutes…
To seconds…
Late night chats became early at 21h00
Little did I know it became his time to look elsewhere …
Our calls , our texts became “her time:
Not me …
I blamed him .
When I was to blame …
I stopped looking nice , I stopped dressing up for him .
He saw me as his household item something that’s he usually sees everyday
I was basically his to do list .
I stopped being his significant other.
Our flirting became fighting
Our jokes became arguments
We both lost our spark
But that fire..that fire … that zing …
Was gone …
For him…
But it’s as if I was obsessed over him …
I couldn’t help it I was in love
I couldn’t imagine my life without him
Till this very day I can’t live without him.
I wish he knew my feelings
But I was so broken when he found me .
I had learned earlier to deal with life on my own , I was so buggered up as an adult I didn’t know how to fit in.
It kills me every day to know I will never be good enough for him …
I wanna let go of him so he could find wat he wants …
Since I wasn’t lady like , or up to his standards …
But I still held on coz I loved him so much that I would die for him.
But he never saw the pain , the depression, that darn cloud over hung on my head ….
I felt lost again I felt so little , I felt so useless .
I was like just an empty vessel ..