I had trophies awards potential and a grandmother
Nothing else.
Nothing could’ve even attempted to prepare me for the upcoming mess.
A happening in time that would change the course of my life spiraling me into lifelessness.
It’s okay she’ll forget she probably won’t remember these years from now I remember!
It happened in the month just after December.
From the colour of the bra she wore to the last colour on her grey striped skirt I remember.
The baby blue bathtub I sat on as I watched her take her last breath.
And from that day thoughts of abusing substances to get by flood my mind I imagine the high of crystal Meth.
The beads that hugged her body from her half-done initiation.
If only I knew years from them I’d be seated at the front desk of a therapist begging for a consultation.
I remember the colour of the glass they gave me as they were preparing me for a sharp curve in my life I did not see coming.
I remember the smell of death when he forced himself into my childhood home robbing me at gun point.
He’s ruthless careless and doesn’t give second chances and he’ll take whatever you have even if it’s the last.
He’s a merciless man.
He knew I had nothing else and he took her.
Speechless and confused I was left behind.
Wounded and naked I had nowhere else to hide.
I swear as they were designing her coffin they nailed me in with the last nail.
All the life in me followed leaving an unending trail.
Tears later I’m
Sat on a wooden chair unconsciously rocking to and fro
Definitely unconscious myself
Trying to listen to why I need anxiety pills
They’re trying to convince me that depression kills.
Asking whether I’ve been missing any meals.
While my mind is at a bar ordering shots of tequila.
While my hands tie a blunt stuffed with weed I got from a dodgy dealer
Hoping whatever it’s laced with finally kills me.
So many lengths I could go to just to escape.
I swear I didn’t expect my visit here to be so lengthy.
Constantly finding myself passed out on the outside of Cathy’s.
To waking up in a bed next to a strange white woman because she flashed her car keys.
She’s only with me because she’s tired of these laities.
I’m just happy about the breakfast I always wake up with a hard case of the munchies.
To forget about my life I try to drink booze that has an alcohol percentage above nineteen.
Reminds me of the age when I first discovered that weed can boost my esteem.
Above all what I’m trying to tell you is I’m empty.
Depression has got me by the neck some say I’m lazy.
I’m trapped in my head I swear I’m on the edge of crazy.