How many times I’ve got to try? No matter how hard but I try! It will take you way up and throw you down. How many more preachings? How many more screams? Will I ever last to infinity? It’s heavy, it’s sad and making me bad. I ask for something, but sincere in response. Where will the fast train ever stop? When will the slow bus gain speed? Whatever I do bearing in mind good deeds. I know how we all feel down sometimes but some handle it better than others. You may never know what tomorrow might hold.
It’s so funny how a person wants to take credit for your success and hard work but they merely willing to lend a helping hand. Most of the time how I would hope that my creator would throw me a rope to hold on while I gush down the river like a log, which once served as a cross over for the river. How many times my heart shreds into pieces every time I am not quite sure if I will last. Happiness only exists in my past. What? At least that is what I thought until I travel back in time and took a look at my childhood. I ask myself what is happiness Kamogelo, tell me?
They tell me it’s going to be alright, but it’s never alright. They gave me false hope, do they think that I will cope with this madness. Why do I even smile, so that they can’t see how I feel but sense my negative energy. My eyes glitter with salty water, my hands tremble with frustration, my legs feel weak, barely standing without assistance, how I would love to scream my lungs out so badly and excruciating. They say nobody can see my real punishment. I sit and wonder if I will ever be able to show my real smile. It doesn’t matter because I already gave them a smile that they believe to be true.
Even in times of joy, I feel despair gradually increasing every second that passes by. Why do I even exist? I don’t want to carry this cross on my back for any longer, I am going to halt it and end me.
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Feeling overwhelmed or depressed? There are organisations that provide counselling and support. Here are some useful numbers:
Cipla 24hr Mental Health Helpline 0800 456 789
Adcock Ingram Depression and Anxiety Helpline 0800 70 80 90
Suicide Crisis Line 0800 567 567
SADAG Mental Health Line 011 234 4837
Cipla Whatsapp Chat Line(9am-4pm, 7 days a week) 076 882 2775