EXACTLY, WHAT HAPPENED?

We separated.

I was free.

But I could’ve never imagined what was waiting for me

House smelling of bleach, I stayed there in the dark

Not leaving the house, not wanting to go out

Mixit’s chatrooms was where I spent my nights & some days

Talking to strangers hoping the void would go away

I met a guy who sounded just like you

It wasn’t though… now I know that to be true

One night he asked me if I watched the movie called, “A Beautiful Mind”

Not knowing that story would make me lose mine

Started talking to the television like it was my best friend

Different frequencies were opening a door to another dimension

My sister would come over & spend her time wondering wtf was happening

To me

Oh nothing, I would say

I was ok on the outside but something was brewing within

Living on coffee, smokes & an unknown prayer

The vibration of music I felt through the Television made me feel alive & aware

Aware that satellites were watching my every move

Aware that people outside were laughing and talking about me, I assumed

Til I didn’t let her come over again

Because now I wasn’t alone anymore

I didn’t need her there

Now, I was with them

The voices in my head, my worst enemy, my friends

They told me to go to your house to let you know how I feel

I couldn’t do it but got in a taxi not knowing what was real

You don’t have the guts to do it

You weak

You not made for this shit

I got out the taxi & started walking a bit

Fighting my emotions that were all over the place

Yes, I love him

No, I don’t,

Go home you wasting your time, you both need your space

I eventually got to your house & the oh shock on our mother’s face

What are you doing here? His not here right now

I answered, I don’t know

I froze, started to cry, confused, lost,

Went blank

Not knowing my own name

Come in

She phoned you & said you on your way

You got there High & I didn’t know what to say

We sat on the bed in silence & you held me close again

Then put me back in a taxi & sent me home that day

Days later…

Nobody loves you

Nobody cares if you die

Just do it

Overdosing on Alcophyllix & standing there with a knife

To my wrist

Crying, I don’t wanna do this

Afraid, & yet, numbing my brain

Pleading for them stop the noise

Not knowing I was going insane

Do it. Do it. DO IT T I said or you’ll pay

We’ll come back every day to take you again

The voices. the voices.I can’t make them go away

I was under surveillance by the dark plane

They’ll never believe you, your family doesn’t care

No one will notice you gone,

No one noticed them there

You don’t have the guts to tell them you scared little bitch

I wasn’t even fighting them anymore

I just started to twitch

Sobbing at this point I put the knife to my wrist

Again & again

Over & over

Back & forth

Then blacking out for a second from the Alcophyllix

I finally got the courage to go over & tell mom

Don’t worry my child there’s nothing wrong

Next day I’m admitted to hospital & sedated

Slept for 2 days

Woke up in hospital clothes without my thong

Afraid & alone, no memory of what happened

I honestly didn’t know what was going on

My life was about to start a new chapter

But

the main character

She…

Was gone.

If you are feeling depressed or suicidal, please know that there is help out there and you can get better. Reach out to SADAG counselling 0800 567 567 (toll-free counselling between 8am and 8pm) or their   Suicide Crisis Line: 0800 567 567. You are not alone.