I still want to see you,
Even if it’s for the last time,
Even if it’s in my dreams,
Even if I’m being delusional,
Even if it’s not real.
I want to see you.
I yearn to feel your presence,
I yearn to hear your sweet voice,
The voice that carried kindness
And authority in it.
I just miss you.
I don’t know what I did
To make you leave,
But if I knew,
I promise that I would’ve never
Done it.
Please send me a sign,
I feel so alone,
So unloved, even though
I have my mom and my sister with me.
It’s all become too much for me to bear.
Your passing away
Just shook my world,
And not in a good way.
You left a hole in my heart
And it’s still there.
It grows each time I think
About you.
Grieving is not helping,
Nothing is helping.
The cutting,
The negative words,
The positive ones,
The depression,
The fake smiles,
Fake laugh,
The tears I have held
For years.
It’s all eating me inside.
All of this hurts,
I can’t keep up with this
Charade any longer.
I’m sorry.
I tried to be like you,
I’m not even sure what I tried
To be,
And
In that process I became
No one,
I still am.
I need to see you.
To know that you’re okay,
To know that you still love me.
I need you to hold my hand,
To be with me through this
Painful time,
But you’re not,
You never have been.
Since you left, I just
Became a stranger to you.
You just abandoned me,
Not caring about how it would affect me.
Did you even love me,
Or was it all just pretence?
I need an answer from you.
So this all means that you don’t love me.
Did you really pretend to care?
It seemed so real.
The emotions felt so pure,
But little did I know that you were faking it.
I thought we were family,
I thought that you would still care,
Event if you weren’t here
With me physically.
I should’ve just listened to my own advice,
I should’ve never expected you to love me
The way that I love you.
Everything changed for the worst.
You broke me,
And this time I don’t think that
I will be able to put the pieces back together.
It’s much better I stay scattered,
The pieces of my heart that loved you,
Will remain lost forever,
The pieces of my heart that loved you,
Will still love you.
You’ll always be my grandmother,
Even if I am nothing to you,
You’ll always be a pillar that guided me,
Even if you don’t love me.
I just wish you told me that you never loved
Me.
Maybe I would not have been like this,
Maybe my depression would not have existed.
Well wishes don’t come true,
And I’m not saying that it’s your fault,
I’m just saying that….
Well I don’t even know what I am saying.
It’s just complicated,
But what I do know is that
I miss you.
Please come back,
I need you.
If you can’t come back,
Then please take with,
Please.
I need your help,
Please.
Before I remain lost,
Before I am stuck in between,
Alive and dead at the same time,
Which I already am.
I need a hug,
I need reassurance,
It never works when I do it,
Maybe it’ll work
If someone helps me.
Please help me,
I can’t live like this,
I don’t want to….
Help me grandmother,
Before it’s too late.