I stared blankly, numbed at reality. A tear welled up beneath his hazel brown eyes and escaped right onto my left cheek. I felt nothing.

“Just, just look at what you made me do!” bent over me he sobbed. The weight of my body sinking into the cold hard floor. “Say something. Say something please, I’m sorry.” He switched in an instant, picking me up and seating me back at the dinner table.

“I love you, I love you with all my heart. It was just a hard day that’s all. You do understand right? I will never intentionally hurt you. You know that right?” He pleaded.

I nodded to everything he said, feeling defeated. I despised his rage. He can be so cold. He wears another face almost unrecognisable, but I know he loves us. His work is stressful but he tries to be a good husband. I am home all day cooking, cleaning and taking care of Isaiah, he’s right, the least I could have done was wash up before dinner.

My ears ringing from the swing, I picked up my fork and poked at the dinner on my plate. No longer having an appetite, I set it down again. I picked up my glass and tried to get up to pour myself some water. He grabbed my wrist and in an instant my heart fell to the floor.

“Honey, sit down I’ll get it.” He said. He walked past me gently caressing my shoulder. Why did I feel a sense of relief? Why did I feel the need to win him over? I looked down at the shattered side plate on the floor. I need to clean this mess. He suddenly placed the glass in front of me and took his seat. I looked at him. “Thank you.” My words shivered through the tears. I forced a smile.

He always had issues controlling his temper. “You just need to hold your family together. Marriage isn’t to be taken lightly,” mama said. Mama said divorce never existed back in the day and we just need to learn to have thicker skin.

“Mummy,” I heard a teary voice plead. My eyes shot across the room at Isaiah. “Relax hun, I’ll take him back to bed.” Daniel said, getting up to fetch Isaiah.

Isaiah darted past his dad and ran into my arms trembling. My heart beat an aching pain as he sobbed in my chest.

“Mama, please! Mama don’t let him hurt us,” I recalled pleading to my mum. My mom looked me dead in the eye and said. “Get back to your room, and don’t come out till I tell you to, you disrespectful child!”

My childhood was not an easy one.

My heart began to beat fast and slow at the same time. Remembering how I longed for love and protection. Mum chose dad. She lived only for him despite the abuse. I recall how I felt every time I heard a glass break and a piercing scream. The holes in the walls and doors was a constant reminder of what has happened and what wasto come. In that moment, I realised. In that moment, I couldn’t find the light at the end of the tunnel. I bent down and whispered into Isaiah’s little ear.

“Mummy chooses you.”