Sometimes you may think you have found the love of your life but it end up very painful. I now believe that I cannot say I have found the love of my life at the young age. I don’t know people who do find their love of their lives at the young age like 17. I guess it must stay like that. If I knew them, it would make me believe again that if I get a boyfriend now, the relationship would be forever. Let me tell you my story.

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It was my first day in a new school, starting grade 10. I didn’t know anyone from that school, so I just went quiet the whole day. During my first week I didn’t notice anyone in my class. I never check on anyone, I never looked at anyone because I was so very shy at that point. Few days, pass then we were transferred to the new classroom. Everyone was partnered with someone they would sit with in the same desk except me. There was only one sit left and it was a chair next to him, same table, I just had to sit there. Other learners didn’t want sit with him because he was a nerd, for me there was nothing wrong being a nerd. That’s when I started liking him a little pit, but I just let my feelings go. “Hi, is the seat taken?” I asked shyly.

“No, you can seat” he said without looking at me

“Thanks” as I was sitting down shyly.

That moment was the best. I started daydreaming, him telling me he likes me, and hugged me. I couldn’t concentrate in class. I tried concentrating but the boy next to me was too cute. “Man! Why did I sit next to this boy?” I though. I started having friends at school, I forgot a little about my feelings with Ben. But I just didn’t forget for long because we were also sharing a textbook. Well it was fine, because it made us talk more. After some 3 months I stop sharing a textbook because I bought my own, it’s not like I hated sharing with him just my family didn’t like the fact that I’m sharing textbooks. Well I moved to another table as I got new friends.

A year pass quickly, I haven’t told him about my feelings. I was scared to tell him. Went to grade 11, I still loved him. Last year I tried so hard to get his attention but I failed. I ask him to help me understand math or help me with my homework, he did helped me but he didn’t see what I feel. I remember he once asked me to be his friend and leave my friends. That was a big opportunity to win him but the problem was he wanted me to leave my friends for him, I couldn’t do that. They were my friend for months now, that wouldn’t be cool for them. I chose my friends happiness over my feelings.

In March there was a lockdown in South Africa. Things were very tough and I couldn’t see my friends. No one was allowed to go anywhere except to the markets. I was busy on my Facebook in August when I got a notification to someone I haven’t talked to on Facebook. I clicked on the message. That message made my heart jump a beat and filled with joy. “Hi Precious, I need to talk to you seriously”. “Yes you can talk” I replied. “I really like you. I was so afraid to tell you for a very long time, since the year started. I want us to meet next to the library so we can talk about this” he said. “Yes we can meet tomorrow between 11am and 1pm” I replied. I was so over joyed that I’m going to meet him.

The following day we met next to the library. I was so nervous and over joyed to meet him. I made sure I dress nice. Just to impress him.

“Hi Precious.” he said nervously.

His voice is was a music to my ears, a sound I want to hear every day. His voice was so gentle, like how gentle he is. He didn’t wear expensive clothes, just simple clothes. That didn’t matter to me. I only care about how he is inside, not how he looks outside. What I saw was an angel sent by God. People may see him as boring, complicated person or just a nerd. But my eyes saw an intelligent boy who likes studying and a loving person to people he care for.

“Hello” I said. “What did you want us to talk about?”

“I thought I told you yesterday but I can say it again.” He pause for few seconds. “Look Precious, I couldn’t keep this for long but I’ve been in love with you since last year. I was scared to tell you because I thought you will just turn me down. I know how other people see me, so I thought you also see the same. I don’t know if you do? I really love to be your boyfriend.”

“OMG!”I exclaimed “I’m speechless. I did also have feelings for you, Ban, for a very long time but I was so scared to tell you. I was so scared to tell you, if I wasn’t, it would be so awkward. Yes you can be my boyfriend, I love you” I hugged him excitedly.

Our love was strong at first. Within few months we had good memories. He had our up and downs. We fought sometimes but we always had a way to solve the problems. With him was a best time of my life. The only thing that runs through my mind is only happy moments. But through those bad times, when we fight I did learn something from them. My mom new that I had a boyfriend then soon she found out who he is. The funny thing is that Ben was afraid of my mom because he thought she’s going to lecture him, but my mom wasn’t like that. He did like him too because she knows that Ben is a very good boy.

The painful moments was when he started to change. He started talking to everyone, I was glad at first that he changed so people can stop judging him by looks but he never change his intelligence in his school work. The he started being very nice to everyone and even started being too nice to my close friend, like I mean he was treating him like he treats me. This was hurting me seeing him hugging and giggling with my friend. That’s when thing started getting hurtful. Thing got worse and worse on my side because of the jealousy, I couldn’t control that I was so mad in love with him. But jealousy kept destroying the relationship. My friend even told me that before Ben and I started dating, Ben flirted with her. She even showed me their texts. This broke me but I didn’t show it to her. I didn’t want her to know that I have jealousy. I did know that jealousy in a relationship is not healthy but I couldn’t control that. Those texts made me believe that maybe he doesn’t love me like he said, maybe it was because his fried were dating and he wasn’t so he needed a girlfriend so he ca be like his friends.

After a while things change really differently when we reached grade 12. I don’t know what I heard is true or what but it really felt it true after what happened. After our biggest difficult decision, thing turn out very bad. We’ve decided that we’ll focus on our studies but I didn’t know it included not talking to each other. I didn’t want that to happen but it did happen. He stopped talking to me for weeks. This was breaking me day by day not know how to stop this silent treatment. He only come to me when he wants something. I once came to him to see if he will talk to me and I regretted doing that. “Hi Ban. I wanted to ask you if you’re going to the matric dance.” I tried popping up the topic. He just stood there silently like I was invisible, then he turn to his friend and talked to him. This was so painful I could sleep that night thinking what I did to him to deserve this. The silent treatment continued for months.

A month before his birthday I decide to end this relationship even if it has looked like the relationship ended months ago, but I had to try. I decided to do revenge, to make him feel the pain I felt all those moths. I stared to plan what I should buy him for a breakup gift and this gift he’s going to get it on his birthday. I started writing the latter.

Dear Ban

Happy birthday Ban. I’m sorry for what I would be saying in this letter.

I have noticed the big difference in our relationship. This has not been a good thing on my side, it has hurt me day-by-day but I became strong. I saw you were very happy without me. It seems like I never existed. I have tried so much to talk to you but all I get from you was attitude, forgetting who I am to you. I was still your girlfriend for god sake. So I decided not to border you so I kept my distance even if it hurts. We became like enemies.

All of this made me notice that we can’t build our future together as I thought we would. The love you had or I thought you had has fade away. The care and respect is gone now. I thought that the love we had for each other would last forever but this really proven that I was wrong. The tension between us was very painful, I couldn’t think of another way to bring back the happiness that I lost than to just end this relationship.

The agreement before this problem didn’t evolve us not to talk to each other, giving each other attitude or acting like there was no relationship between us. I apologise if this hurts you but the pain your feeling right now was a pain that I felt every time I see you. I still love you and I will always love you. This is not my wish to be like this but I don’t want to feel this pain again.

All I have in my mind is good memories we had together. This happy moments will last forever in my mind. Have a great life without me and you may continue acting like I never existed in your life.

Happy birthday. Have a blessed day and may God give you many more years to come.

XOXO

I was so in pain the time I wrote this letter. I wished I could talk to him face-to-face. Because I was afraid of his attitude, so I couldn’t. I had put a ‘dairy milk’ mint chocolate. After school Ben was nowhere to be found. I looked everywhere at school but I couldn’t find him. I finally found him at the gate but he was in a hurry to go home. I had to rush after him just to make sure he gets this breakup latter on his birthday. I finally catch up with him and I was so tired of running. I gave it to him and wished him a happy birthday. I got sick and throw up because of running, and I couldn’t breathe. My chest I was painful I felt like I was going to past out. I was glad that I gave him the letter. I got really sick that day but I could tell my grandmother I’m sick.

The following day I was feeling much better, so I went to school. I was with my classmates chatting then he came past us then went to the classroom, then came back with the chocolate and the latter. He put the chocolate on my pocket and said nothing then he left. I could understand if he was sad, angry or heartbroken. I got angry because he just returned a gift. What I know is that a person can’t return a gift even if he/she doesn’t like it. He just need to be grateful for what he got because other people don’t get anything. I went to him to confront him that what he did was very wrong. He just said he doesn’t need anything coming from me.

I went to my best friend angry. I even opened the chocolate and ate it. “He always breaks me. I can’t let him do this!” I cried. “I still love him and he hurts me so bad. I don’t even know what to do. I wish I can stop seeing him. He doesn’t care about how I feel, he only think for himself. I’m happy this is our last year.” Well my best friend didn’t know what to say, she never experience this kind of situation.

Few months pass without talking to me but deep in my heart I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He was everything, I loved him more than anything. I never loved a boy like that before, in my mind I take him as my first boyfriend. It was very hard just forgetting him just like that. Well I could forget him, he’s still in my heart. If I had something that will help me to contact him I wold write the whole message asking for forgiveness and asking to try our relationship again. I know I had broken his heart. I didn’t know that breaking his heart will break my heart even worse.