“The shadows is where I feel comfort and safety Yet the shadows became my prison, my fear my only way to survive” 

In the Shadows

I was 15 when I got married to a man of 26. The children’s home I was in signed the paperwork. He was always attentive, made me feel like someone not an outcast as if I belong. He never tried anything with me, and I felt safe. Our wedding was a fairytale… My reality a horror. 

My first night as his wife I can’t remember much of. I remember excruciating pain and I remember his hand on my throat. The next morning I woke up my lips was busted, Had a blue eye and my jaw was very painful I couldn’t move, couldn’t breath. The lady that worked in the house, came to the room and i remember her repeatedly saying sorry. She called an ambulance and i was admitted with a cracked jaw, broken nose and 3 broken ribs. Severely traumatized I didn’t know what happened. Not until the doctor explained they had to put stitches in some of the tears, and asked me if I was raped. I said no. 

He came to the hospital with his attitude and abrasive personality. I was released into his care, I remember seeing my hospital file in his bruised hand, and I was scared but what got to me the most, I was alone… 

That’s how I was introduced to sex and being a wife. The lady who called the ambulance got fired because she spoke out of the house.

I had nowhere to go. No family no one except him.

Everyone in his circle knew he was beating the crap out of me. But everyone was scared of him. He had a violent streak in him that can show itself at any time or place. I started learning to try and stay out of his way when he lost a fight in the cage. Because then he got really mad. At the age of 19 I have had more bones broken than a professional cage fighter.

He started using heavy stuff, and it really brought out an even worse personality to the front. We lived at night fights, clubs, pubs, barn fights, deliveries, pick ups, contract bashings, A whole live of not existing. A shadow in a shadow world.

I fell pregnant, really thought that will make him change, rather prayed it will… But it didn’t, he used more crystal, uppers downers alcohol anything he can find. The beatings got worse but my little one held on.

A friend tried to help me get away, His wife a widow now his kids fatherless. Official statement hijacking. 

I took his beatings from then on, Trying not to get anyone else involved. 

Then one night he had strangers over. Three huge Nigerians. I was 4 months pregnant and just knew I wasn’t safe. My gut told me run but he would not let me go to our room. They kept on touching my face my hair, as they were getting drunker and high from all the crystal they were consuming. They had it on the glass table in the living room. I can’t remember what time it was, all I knew that I was in trouble they began to get more bolder in touching me and I wanted to get out. I stood up and started for the stairways turning my head to look back over my my shoulder to say goodnight when his fist hit me squarely on the mouth and nose I could feel how my broken teeth was cutting the insides of my mouth . He grabbed me by my neck and forced me to the glass table. I remember seeing the blood dripping on the table. I tried to hold my breath as he shoved my face into the white powder. I knew I was not going to get away alive. The three unknown men laughed and enjoyed every moment of the beating I took. I battled to try and fight the drug in my system but kept on zooming in and out of consciousness.

I remember we were in a car I was in the back seat with my husband and one of the Nigerians. As the miles dragged by he kept on shoving either liquor or drugs in my face. I hated myself for being so helpless. I knew I was going to die that night. And all I could think about what about my baby. Minutes became hours and hours oblivion. I do not know when we stopped. I woke up on a bed in a filthy room. I was tied up and one of the men was busy having intercourse with me while the others cheered him on. That included my very own husband. They took turns as did my husband.

I was there for two days three nights. When they couldn’t perform anymore. They started playing games, To see what can fit in me. I was torn up. I remember feeling a sharp pain and a great whoosh. I knew I just lost my baby and with my baby the will to live. I felt them cutting me hitting, burning, kicking me. And the darkness that took me I was relieved for. At one point I was untied and sodomised. I could feel blood running freely, from all the cuts and ripped flesh. I remember hearing voices very far off as if under water, I just couldn’t care if they came back to finish the job. I was ready to die already gave up living when I felt my baby come out. The darkness took me, away from all the pain… 

They found me on the border in a abandoned farmhouse. A army unit on patrol. They thought at first that I was dead until the leader felt for a pulse. He couldn’t believe it when he felt one. 

I was airlifted where I died twice and they brought me back.

It took me 19 months to learn to walk again, 5 years for a man to be in the same room as me. I will never be able to have a baby of my own. I have numerous scars. False teeth. And I still get nightmares I still want to run when there’s to many people around me. Panic sets in when they talk loud or is drunk. I am on medication permanently to keep me calm help me sleep, but the depression sets in every now and then. Especially when I hear of someone talking about having an abortion, or when I see children being abused. My heart bleeds for my little one, that was just left dead in a pile of blood by her own father…

No he wasn’t brought to justice neither was the other’s. Every photo every statement hospital records, rape kits it all just disappeared. As if it never happened. My baby never happened, getting so badly beaten that I was left for dead didn’t happen. Nobody will speak out.

But he knows and I know what they did. So I became a threat to him. 

I am still standing, and I am still fighting because I know how it feels to be alone in this world. How it feels to always be on the lookout. Not being able to go to a mall or even a shop without looking over my shoulder.

I am still just a shadow but this time I find safety in my shadow world.