In that moment I realized that I could live with a romantic partner, and a person with an ugly body can do whatever one with a beautiful one can, In this moment, I want to tell you that in your moment, realize that you can be your own person, you don’t need societies approval.
Moments ,they are little pixels that when all billions of them are added together, creative and shape a persons emotional state of being and personality. This is my story and I want to tell you about the moment I realized there was no love and with that , my tendency to overthink proved to me that there was really nothing real out there.
We live in a very creative world, people create, optimize and invent new things, machines and concepts all around, like how long ago we were just people now we are labeled black, old, fat, nerd, jock, whore so on so on and because of that people now do extreme things like plastic surgery, skin bleaching and all that as means to fit in the right labels. But wait, this essay was not written to exhibit hate or judgement but to tell my story.
I did not really have something to call a love life but everyone else seemed to, so I used to lie all about “my boyfriend” until I did not have to any more, until I met someone who ‘swept me of my feet . He was sixteen and I fourteen. He was a very dedicated and talented soccer player, he was kind, funny and seemed like a really genuine person. He told me that because of the possible opportunity to get scouted to play overseas in a few years, so all his life he did not really have much interest in girls until he met me. In that moment I felt something I’ve never before but also in that moment I somewhat felt he wouldn’t be in my next ten years but I just brushed it off as doubt caused by insecurity.
We had a really good thing, but it was just a flirtatious friendship, went on for a few weeks. As the natural liar I am, I did not mention this, though in my past I never had a real boyfriend, I had surprisingly multiple love interests, almost too many to count. If we were talking and had feelings for each other and I really liked you, I’d see a slight sign that you would losing interest I would flee because I was afraid, I am afraid of heartbreak.
It was nothing different with this charming guy, I noticed he took longer to respond to my texts and they were getting blunter and simpler, I did what I do best, block and deleted every trace of him on my phone. Months went and we didn’t make contact, until one September afternoon I got a text from him, it was one of that WhatsApp texts that you share with everyone. I now had his new number and after 3 days of mentally debating it, I called him, we talked, I found out he now had a girlfriend and that he was sad that I blocked him without an explanation, we made up and decided on being friends.
We texted and talked for a while, every single day for hours and one day, I randomly picked a fight with him, telling him that he shouldn’t be flirting with me knowing I’d catch feels while he had a girlfriend. He laughed and aske, which girlfriend, he told me they broke up , I apologized after he told me how she broke his heart. We started talking more often after that and later he asked to be my boyfriend and I obviously agreed.
I won’t waste time explaining how I hurt him and he broke up with me after 3 days, he said the only thing he could offer me now was friendship, I told him that if it meant him staying in my life I didn’t mind, he said he was busy and I should call later.
I didn’t call, instead I blocked and deleted him , again. Why? I ask myself the same question and why didn’t I cry? In that moment I realized that I have never in my life cried over a boy, In that moment I realized I had fallen into a trap, a stupid concept that to be seen and respected you need to be in a relationship. This explained my obsession, it was just desperation of wanting to be accepted.