I can’t believe it’s really the day before my birthday and all I can think about and wish for, is to die. How did I get here?

Today is finally my birthday. As always, I am extremely emotional and it doesn’t help that I didn’t get anything from anyone except my little sister. Well, at least i received the well wishes. My friend, Thulane, even sang for me. I love him so much!

On this day, last year, I wanted so badly to die. Prolly a year before that too and for as long as I can remember. My birthday has never been my favourite day. If anything, I’d always be horribly depressed on the day. I only started being aware of this pattern when on my 11th birthday when a girl in my class asked me why I looked so down when it’s my birthday. I remember, I almost broke down in tears because she was right and I didn’t know why I felt that way. This has been my reality until today. I have obviously tried to forget about the previous years and start afresh and enjoy my birthday because I also thought that maybe I wasn’t enjoying them because I had already had this idea in my head that all my birthdays were doomed but even then, something had found it’s way to ruin my entire day and I’d be overly emotional about it. This year, the 17th of July 2022, on my last day as a yummy 21-year-old, I have absolutely no intention of wanting to die. If anything, I’m so grateful to be alive and with my baby. He turned around on his own as he was napping and this has made me appreciate my life a whole lot more. I honestly feel like this has been the greatest and best present I could’ve ever asked for – my little Ocean. He has brought so much light into my life. Some days, I break down and cry because nothing seems to add up in my life and I keep failing at everything and the rest of the days, I’m extremely grateful and happy to have my baby. I love him and I pray that God always protects him. I pray that life is a whole lot kinder to him than it has been for me because he deserves nothing less than the finest things in life and for as far as I can, I will always give him that.

Today is finally my birthday. I am grateful because unlike all the other years, I wasn’t unreasonably emotional. I was, however, extremely hurt because no one remembered. Well, no one except my little sister and I appreciate her for remembering. Everyone else, including my parents, simply forgot. How insignificant do you have to be for your own parents to even forget the day you were born. My mom? She literally gave birth to me on this day and she forgot about me. I really am hurt. It hurts a whole lot more because I always remember everyone else’s birthday and do my best to make it special for them even when I don’t have much and today, they all forgot. I’m literally in tears right now because it really hurts. I don’t have a lot of friends so I didn’t even expect anything huge. Just a bit of acknowledgment of the one day in a year that’s supposed to be special and about me. I guess I don’t mean as much to people as I thought I did. I will never celebrate this day ever again in my life. I also no longer want anyone to send any blessings or wishes for it. From today on, July 18th is just the same as any other day of the year. Well, except the 2nd of June – my baby’s birthday.