WARNING: This piece refers to suicide.

I remember everything as if it happened yesterday, everything was going well and I had a girlfriend whom I loved deeply and knew for sure that the feeling was mutual through her treatment towards me…

She was one of the most amazing women I’ve ever come across and was too humble for someone like her. It still hurts me that I lost her to suicide instead of being able to get through to her regarding that decision…

It was the 1st of September when she went through the hurtful and traumatic experience, there was a ceremony at her place and they had forgotten something important according to what babe told me…

Due to that, she was sent back home to fetch it and was being accompanied by her uncle. As they got home, I don’t know whether the uncle fell for the devil’s temptations or he’s just the monster he turned out to be that day…

Well, he sexually abused my girlfriend to the point in which she felt like it was the end of her world. Although I found out on Monday afternoon from the horse’s mouth that she went through such while I was out there turning up…

On the 3rd September 2013 was when I received a call from my girlfriend pleading that I come to our regular spot when the school adjourns. Worried as I am, especially after not seeing my girl at school that day, I went there…

When I got to the park, she was sitting alone facing the dam and had tears running down her face. I didn’t know what to say nor do, so I only held her tight and whispered “It Shall Be Alright In Due Time, You’re Strong Babe”…

As I said that, tears started running down my face uncontrollably and I could feel her shivering and her silent painful cry made things worse, I started questioning myself on whether I’m the reason behind this or not…

Anyway, she was calm after the long, tight hug I gave her… That’s when she started talking about what happened but she began in riddles telling me that “I Am Sorry For Being Such A Disappointment of A Girlfriend“

Those words made me curious about what happened, she then said “I Failed To Keep My End of The Promise I Made” and out of fear I asked what was wrong, what’s making her say such heavy words…

She responded by saying “The Virginity I Promised To Give You Is No More, On Saturday Uncle Forced Himself On Me And I Can’t Even Report Him Because Mom’s Worried About What People Are Going To Say“…

For the first time in my life, I was speechless and could feel my heart dripping wet with blood. I literally cried out of pain, misery and sorrow, I had a lot of things running in my grease less mind…

She was now the one comforting me but that day I forgot about my pride but felt like I could’ve been there with her and all of this wouldn’t have happened, I couldn’t even pull myself together in front of her…

That was the least of my worries, I became an angry and broken soul when she said it was best that she takes her life… I tried talking her out of it and I thought we had an understanding and agreed to be together through this…

Before we left the park, we kissed for a very long time as if it was our first kiss hence it was on the same spot. Nothing was suspicious about what was happening since we were an item, not knowing what that evening held for me…

Later that day, she got home and I bet she thought a lot or maybe had flashbacks on the incident that occurred on the first, she then started writing a suicide note which tore me apart…

The words that pierced through my heart were “To My Dearest Boyfriend, Best friend, Brother and Partner In Crime, Thabo, Please Forgive Me For Disappointing You Again. I Can’t Live Another Day Like This, I Feel Like I’m A Rotten Fruit In A Bag of Fresh Fruits And The Only Thing I’m Capable of Is To Spoil The Whole Bag, So I Beg of You That You Be Strong For Me, Yourself And Our Child In Heaven, At least I’ll Be Able To Take Care of Him/Her And Love Him/Her Till You Join Us… Love You“…

I only read this letter the next afternoon after I tried getting hold of my girlfriend with no luck for almost the whole day, I decided to go to her house after school but I had this bad feeling about going there…

Questions were blazing hot in my head, answers were nowhere to be found yet I still went there to look for her. As I was approaching her place, I came across her sister who started crying out loud when she saw me…

“What’s Wrong Sisi?“, I asked her… “Akasekho Bhuti Wam, She Took Her Life Yesterday When She Came Back From Your Meet Up“… The next thing I knew, I woke up in hospital connected to drops and AEDs were right next to me…

I was all alone in that room and for about ten to fifteen minutes I was trying to recap what happened in order for me to end up here, it then hit my mind that my girlfriend was gone and for good!!!

Never did anything come as painful as this to me before, I was having suicidal thoughts too until her sister came through to check on me in hospital, she told me that I collapsed after she told me about my girl hence I’m in hospital…

I still couldn’t believe it until weekend got here and I had to bid her farewell with a speech she won’t even react towards, the only thing I could say was “My Queen, May Your Soul Find Peace And I Promise Not To Rest To Justice Is Served“…

Although I knew the culprit, no one knew that I knew that the very same uncle who was on the podium before me, is actually the main reason we’re gathered to pay our last respects to the young lady who laid in front of us in that tent…

The burial continued and as I looked at her casket go down, a portion of my heart and soul tagged along with it. I couldn’t stop imagining insects feeding on her beautiful skin, I had memory flashbacks which drove me to crying uncontrollably again…

I hate September for taking the one I had started building a tomorrow with, someone who was everything a guy could ask for in a woman, the one person who was the pillar of my life as a whole and I loved dearly…

It’s nine years later but I still can’t accept her demise, I sometimes have sleepless nights especially when I go to bed and she’s the only thing ringing in my head, our chats are still there as proof of the glorious sunshine rape took from me…

(Tribute to my late girlfriend, Lulama)

1999 – 2013

If you are feeling depressed or suicidal, you can reach out to SADAG counselling 0800 567 567 (toll-free counselling between 8am and 8pm)or their Suicide Crisis Line: 0800 567 567. For general counselling you can phone Lifeline: 0861 322 322)