I have never encountered a more relentless enemy than my own voice when it is quiet on the outside. My toxic trait is that I do not fight, I flee, but no matter how good an avoider I am, I can never run fast enough from my own thoughts. My thoughts are scary, my thoughts are negative and unkind. My thoughts remind me of moments when I was afraid to be alone, afraid to say no, and afraid to say yes. My thoughts echo my cringe moments, I really wish it would stop with the visuals of me falling off the chair at church. My thoughts amplify feelings I wish I had never felt, the electrifying touch of a man’s hands around my waist and the lingering neck kisses of the same.

My very loud thoughts are repetitive too especially when they are leading me down dangerous paths. Like an angry mob that shouts ‘KILL KILL KILL’ or a crowd in a concert shouting ‘WE WANT MORE’. My thoughts are not always looking back, they force me to envision what may come. For years they tormented me with what life may be like if my mother were to pass. They can lead me to an anxiety attack with just one phrase, ‘WHAT IF’, what if I don’t get that job or land this deal and never find that love, the ‘what if’ train of thoughts can keep me up for hours.

My thoughts have created false truths about myself. I am trapped in these truths; my thinking needs a breath of fresh air. A man I loved once, broke my heart and my thoughts quickly explained to me that the reason my heart is broken is that I am ugly, and ugly people should be grateful for being given an opportunity at love and not complain of being brokenhearted. My thoughts never considered that the man in question is a buffoon, come to think of it my thoughts don’t take my side very often, are my thoughts even mine? And now they are telling me to not pay attention to the previous thought, come on thoughts, make up your mind already!