It began with a “thank you for the article you wrote about me,” but then came the endless calls. You know, she would tease me in a seductive way, and the next thing I knew, the calls became more intimate. We brought our fantasies to life, but now it’s constant fights because my jealousy is taking over.

I’m trying to leave this situation because every time I realize that I’m the second option without a chance of becoming the first, I never even stood a chance.

Yes, she has a long-term girlfriend whom she cannot break up with because she will still look for her in the next girl she finds herself in a relationship with. She loves her so much, you can see it when she talks about her, she’s her life, her breath, her everything.

And me? I’m the distraction she needs when she wants to escape her drama, when she wants to blow off steam. I’m the one who’s supposed to sacrifice my sleep to satisfy her. Yeah, I’m damaged; I look for love even where it’s not present, hence I’m settling for less.

Funny, because I know my worth. I deserve better than this, but as soon as she calls, I forget all the lines I recited in my head to end this nonexistent relationship. I immediately aim to please her to a point that I’ll listen to her rave about her girlfriend and even advise her. I’m ashamed of myself as I type this. Why would I drop my standards so low just for some meaningless attention, which I get optionally?

Oh, I forgot to mention, there are rules. I can’t contact her, weekends can go by without me hearing from her, and I have to understand, which I do actually while I’m internally crying. I even feel like asking her how this whole side chick thing works because, wow, I’m not coping.