YOU DON’T NEED TO APOLOGISE FOR…

Standing up to your family

Smiling stoically as relatives dole out unsolicited advice (‘You’d have more money if only you’d leave that job of yours,’) and backhanded compliments (‘Your hair…I like what you’ve done with those dark roots,’) can leave you seething with repressed anger and, over years, turn you into a bitter cynic. Firmly telling them to mind their own business can be a liberating experience, and will definitely make them think twice before overstepping the boundary again.

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HOW TO HANDLE FAMILY CONFLICT

1. Don’t be afraid of conflict – it’s an opportunity for growth. Conflict is a natural part of separating yourself from your family and establishing your own identity. It’s a way of understanding your own needs and those of others, and, once you’ve worked through the resistance and come together again, you’re able to reach a new level of development.

2. Healthy conflict allows you to vent anger and release emotions, but using it constructively requires some effort. Once you’re calm and rational after an argument, take some time to analyse your feelings. Ask yourself, ‘Why am I angry?’ and ‘Which issues do I feel are important? Then go back to the family member and discuss them. Don’t despair if this sparks another row – the ‘recycling’ of important issues happens. However, try to stay focused on the problem and committed to working through it.

3. Be aware of what you’re projecting into the situation. In other words, how much of your dissatisfaction with family members is a reflection of those parts of yourself you find unacceptable? Feelings of unworthiness or low self-image, for example, can make you to feel frustrated with yourself, which you project as anger. Instead of remaining in a cycle of blaming, judging and criticising, work on integrating these aspects into your personality.

4. Toxic families are only as toxic as you allow them to be. If you’re not comfortable with something, you must communicate that it’s not okay. Like the well-meaning mother who lets herself into your flat to do the washing when you’re out, family are often oblivious of the fact that they’re invading your space – especially if you keep pretending everything’s fine. Speak to them politely but let them know how you feel. For example, tell your mother that you want her to stop mothering you and see you in a new way – as a friend. When you say no, feel good about it. For instance, say ‘I appreciate what you do for me but this won’t work for me unless you call first.’

5. Choose how much you want to share with your family. If you’re happier not discussing personal details with them, don’t.

6. The key to reaching a balance is still seeing yourself as part of a family, but also as an individual. Because you’ve been brought up to see the world through your parents’ eyes, you need to rid yourself of that and discover what’s important to you. You need to find your own life philosophy.

Shhh… The Secret, Sanity-Saving Retreat

Sometimes the best way of dealing with a sibling or parent who’s irritating you to death is the soft-shoed retreat. Withdrawing for a while can be a self-growth opportunity that has a positive effect on your family relationships, as long as you don’t harbour anger or resentment, and you go back to them afterwards with a new attitude.

‘Divorcing’ your family by cutting off contact permanently won’t solve the underlying problems, and means you lose out on a potentially strong support system. It’s worth working on it: family can be your lifeline, even when you are living on different continents.

When you remove yourself for a few weeks, or even months, try to understand what’s going on in your family. Sift through your feelings, work out what’s annoying you, then decide how you’ll handle things in future, and go back and carry it out. This is the ‘smile and wave’ philosophy: for a time, keep contact to a minimum, and when you’re forced together with certain family members at events, make sure the seating arrangement keeps you at opposite ends of the table.

Try this today! You can’t change other people’s behaviour – but you can change your reaction to their behaviour.