“MaHlongwane grew up in less than favourable conditions. All she knew was struggle. Today, however, she has overcome these many challenges and stands strong, living proof that if she can make it, so can anyone.”

– Nomzi Beni, niece

I am now eighty-four years old. In my years on this Earth, people have come to me for advice on many things. Perhaps it was because I was a nurse, and they hoped that I could make them feel better. Possibly it was because I was a mature soul, and at my age you are expected to know a thing or two. Perhaps it is because they look at my successful children and think that I must have done something right in raising them. Possibly my work in the community showed people that I was the type of person who cared and would listen. And listen I did – not just to people’s problems, but to the themes that emerged in people’s lives, time and again.

In some ways, the problems that people have come to me with are the same as those faced by people throughout the world: how can  be a better wife and mother? How can I be a better husband and father? How can I keep my family together when there are so many social forces pulling us apart? However, because of our history, our geography and our traditions, South Africans face a set of challenges that few other nations do. Certainly, few Americans struggle with the question of how to combine their traditional identities with their western, professional lives. And no other country has had to overcome the psychological wounds of apartheid and the effects it had on our self-esteem and economic opportunities.

I haven’t always had answers for these people. All I know is that there can be no solution to any problem if someone doesn’t possess self-knowledge, self-assurance and self-sufficiency. Developing these things requires a sincere commitment. Certain attitudes, behaviours and thought patterns can help show the way.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution  in life,  and I  do not wish to pretend that there is. However, I do know that I am a woman, a mother, a professional and an African, and what has worked for  me and my family may also work for yours. Here are some of the solutions I have found for myself, applied in raising my family and helped others discover for themselves.

Much of what is written here is directed at young people and women as wives, mothers and professionals, although I have also put down my thoughts on what I think it means to be an honourable man and husband. It is true that I will never be a man or a husband, but I have had enough sons and have been married enough years to have an idea of the troubles that men face. So please indulge an old woman who has spent her life caring for and loving men of all ages.

I hope my discoveries can help you find your path more clearly and guide you in asking the kinds of questions that will help you find answers.

“My mother taught me many lessons, some of which she picked up from the books she was always reading, some of which she learnt from living her life. These are the ones I still hold closest to my heart as they are the basis of what it means to be human:

–       Put things where you found them
–       Clean up your own mess
–       Don’t take things that are not yours
–       Say you are sorry when you hurt someone
–       Share everything you have
–       Wash hands before you eat
–       Never consciously tell a lie
–       Greet all people with a smile
–       Respect young and old
–       Live contentedly with small means
–       Never indulge in self-destruction
–       Be happy and live life to the full
–       Face problems head on.”
–       32Nomhamha, daughter