Parents occupy a powerful position in shaping the calibre and quality of their families. In Xhosa we say the mother is “intsika yom’zi”, the foundation stone of the home. Mothers and fathers both have a special role to play in providing structures and systems to ensure that their families run smoothly.

Why is a well-run family important? Because it is where happy, successful, self-realised individuals are born, and happy, successful, self-realised individuals create a strong, self-sufficient, successful nation. The type of country we are depends directly on the quality of each citizen’s family life, which in turn is affected by the efforts of the parents, the grandparents and other family members. Together, therefore, the nation’s parents steer the spiritual, material, physical and emotional life of the country.

I believe that a powerful and prosperous family is one in which both parents and the extended family are rooted in the teachings of the Lord. Spiritual awareness of God gives one personal power. Teaching one’s children the principles of godly living is the door to prosperity.

The worst thing you can do for your children is to confuse prosperity with materialism. In today’s South Africa it is common for both parents to be educated and have careers. They go out to work, not only to express their individualism, but also to jointly provide a better life for their children. Mothers depend on housekeepers to complete household chores like cooking and looking after the children.

“A few times I overhead my father saying to my mother, ‘Manse, you have done a wonderful job bringing up these children.’

My mother would reply, ‘It was a long journey, Bro Sol. I wouldn’t have been able to walk it without you.’

These are the best words any child could hear from their parent’s lips. My mother taught me that we all need to love and be loved. We need people to tell us that we are special, irreplaceable. We need people who will attend to our needs and remove our fears and insecurities, the way our parents did when we were small. Most of all, we need to love those who love us.

Mama, I have always tried to make you proud. I may have failed here and there, but I have tried and am still trying. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you’ve done for me. I bless the Lord for giving me the best mother there could be.”

– Linda, youngest son

While I believe this is necessary if both parents are to have a career, when taken to extremes it can have a severely detrimental effect on parenting. Too many parents don’t make the time to help their children with their homework or listen to their problems. Instead, they put   a bandage over the emotional gap growing between themselves and their offspring by buying their children expensive clothes and gadgets. An iPhone is no substitute for love. The attention a parent gives – or withholds from – a child is irreplaceable and crucial for that child to develop a sense of self-worth.

Before long, parents realise that their children have grown up without them. They have been too busy to watch their children grow. They themselves haven’t grown up enough to realise that merely providing food and clothes and money is not enough. Too few parents even bother to ask what their children spend money on; they simply hand it over to get the child out of their hair.

Our children are our future. They need us to invest our time and energy and thought into creating systems and greater context that will make them feel safe and allow them to grow and prosper from childhood to adulthood. They need us to be there for them, both physically and emotionally, and they need us to know how to say “no”. This is the only way children can grow up whole and balanced.

Many parents would love to spend more time with their children, but feel broken by the pressures of society. The modern world is highly competitive, driving even loving parents to set their children aside so that they can meet the never-ending demands of work. It is easy for the amount of time mothers and fathers spend with their children to diminish to the point where they end up being part-time parents.

I believe that part-time parenting can be avoided by skilfully budgeting time. Give yourself the space to be a parent by allowing yourself to achieve your career goals at a more reasonable pace. There is no benefit to reaching the top of the corporate ladder by thirty if it comes at the cost of spending time with your children. There is nothing wrong with obtaining a degree or achieving a promotion at thirty-five or even forty, and the benefits of being there for your children, especially when they are young, will be reaped for the rest of your life.

ASK YOURSELF

Do I have confidence in my ability as a parent? Do I value the lessons I learnt growing up, and can I build on them? Do I respect the values of my culture so that I am free to be my own person as a parent? Do I have faith in my Creator, who supports my efforts?

Am I making enough time to be with my children in a meaningful way? What will part-time parenting do to my relationship with my children later on? Is there any way I can budget my time better to create space to be with my children?

When I was raising my family, a parent’s word was non-negotiable and used as a tool to guide children into adulthood. Our culture was very strong and powerful norms were maintained. The modern move to assimilate western culture has, in some ways, had a negative impact on our child-rearing practices. Lessons learnt on television, easy access to drugs and the permissiveness of society often hinder parents who try to instil sober principles of self- control and good behaviour in their children.

Effective time management doesn’t only mean managing your time on a day-to-day basis. It also means managing your time.

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Tell us: What are your thoughts on Connie Ngcaba’s ideas about raising a family?