Avoiding going home, I decided to meet up with my boyfriend. He noticed how I was not myself and asked how things went. I didn’t want to talk about it but he kept pushing until I told him.

“Did you get in?” he asked impatiently. Just like me, he was never a patient person.

“Ja,” I answered still hurt about the whole thing.

“That’s great babe, then why are you feeling down?”

“Mxm… I didn’t get what I wanted,” I said, throwing myself on the couch. “What are you watching?”

“Kawuthethe, speak. And stop trying to change the subject,” he was standing in front on me, blocking my view of the TV.

“Okay, I got BTH,”

“What’s that?” he asked sitting next to me.

“Theology, maan,”

“Umhmmm… what’s that about?”

“IngeBhayibhile, the Bible,” I answered looking away.

He burst into laughter! I was embarrassed and hurt by his reaction. It was hard enough to tell him, even to say it out loud to myself, but he had to laugh. Maybe it’s because I’m a sensitive person.

“Ubucinga ntoni mfondini, what were you thinking?”

“Bendizothini? Ubuzothini wena? I was desperate mos. You would have done the same,” I said now fuming with anger. I regretted telling him about it.

“Yhoo hayi, the Bible, Baby?” He said giggling at the thought, while I felt like my heart was sinking.

If he was going to go on about this, I would leave him standing there and go back home. I didn’t feel like standing up to this nonsense for another minute, I thought to myself. I just gave him a look to warn him.

“Okay, uxolo, sorry. Uzoba right maan, suwara – don’t worry you’ll be fine.” He said trying hard to fake a smile but I knew he didn’t mean that.

I bet he couldn’t wait to run to his friends and laugh some more. He tried to be cool again and changed the topic. I knew he was going to be silly about it. He could be a lousy boyfriend sometimes, I thought, folding my arms and pouting.

Talk about kicking a dog while he’s down – she – in my case.

When I got home that night my mom was furious.

“Lixesha lobuya eli, is this the time to come home?” she started as soon as I walked through the door.

I just walked to the kitchen to get my food that was covered on top of the cupboard. I was in no mood and she could see it.

“Sungabi nambulelo apha – don’t be ungrateful,” she said giving me one of her ‘don’t test me’ looks.

“La college ingcono kuna lento – that college is better than this thing,” I said stuffing food in my mouth. I wasn’t even hungry, I just regretted saying those words that I tried to shove them back with a spoon full of umngqusho – samp and beans.

“Andizobhatala college mna kodwa usifumene isikolo, I won’t pay for any college while you got in to a good school,” she said glaring. I could feel her eyes burning on me. “Tomorrow you must go pay your registration,” she said, ending the conversation.

“Is it complete?” I asked mumbling.

“R3 500. The rest you’ll pay xa ndipeyile, when I get paid,”

I kept quiet. I hated even that, not having the full amount of money to pay registration. And who did she ask for money this time? I hated begging. Everybody knew we were poor without my mother having to announce it to the world by asking for money.

We went to bed without any more words being said. I didn’t mean to be rude or to show no appreciation but nothing seemed to work. No one understood me. No one cared to think how much I was hurt by the whole thing, even my own mother seemed to not care. It seemed like I was unworthy of all the good things in life. I felt useless.

Theology was studied by people who wanted to be pastors, what would I do with that stupid degree? I thought as I cried silently in the dark, in the comfort of my bed. I kept picturing everyone laughing at me when I got turned away for not having the full amount. All those people; all those faces… At least it would be weeks before I had to face any lectures, I consoled myself I cried myself to sleep.

***

Tell us what you think: Can you relate to Nosie? Have you found yourself in a similar situation, experiencing deep disappointment?