Ag, it’s just bro talk. Boys will be boys. Locker room humour. Not for ladies to hear. Dumb chick. Bitch. Slut. Gold digger. Ho. Well, what do you expect when a girl hurts a man’s pride?

These words and phrases are probably very familiar to you. Variations pop up in our conversation and all over social and other media. You’re probably not even upset to read them.

But shouldn’t we all be? Or are they so normalised in our society?

They may be ‘just words’ but it is not true what the expression says: ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me’. The pen can be ‘mightier than the sword’ on your self-esteem and self-worth.

And we are a country with high levels of ‘toxic’ or poisonous masculinity, so words can easily morph into much more dangerous territory. That is, men with vocabulary and attitudes like this can easily slip into mentally and physically abusing women, and all too often, even murdering them.

The cool young guys in this story seem fun and attractive, and are in no way extreme – yet. But throughout the story, we see how they can’t escape their gender. They draw a dark, punishing line between what males can do, and expect of women, versus the lack of respect females are expected to put up with from guys.

Right at start of story we are alerted to this. JT’s male friends do not allow him to be sad about his breakup. He is mocked, as being like a weak female.

Vusi says: “We’ve left it long enough. Stop behaving like a woman now.”

Shortly afterwards Mervin says: “Something did die here. His dignity.”

Kent says, “JT, snap out of it!” He pushes me towards my wall mirror. “Khanyi is not worth this.”

In other words, a male is not allowed to show softness, sadness, about heartbreak over a woman; not allowed to be in any way like a woman.

One reason Khanyi leaves JT is because she is frustrated that he is not trying hard enough to get his career going. And we learn later that his parents spoil him as an only child, so this is probably true. But he cannot self-reflect. He just pulls the jealous vibe, and blames the break up on Joseph. He won’t look at himself and decide if there is any truth in what Khanyi is saying.

His jealousy causes him to do something very sinister: so-called ‘cat fishing’. This is stalking, spying, disrespecting a person, who has specifically told you ‘no’ – blocked you from being a Facebook friend.  Through a fake account he lures Khanyi into being a friend. He watches her post her ‘living my best life’ on social media, to boost her own career. Viewing this makes him jealously unable to resist his friends’ suggestions to ‘help him’.

But instead of helping him work through his feelings through healthy talk and sympathy, they make him do things that focus only on how ‘horrible’ Khanyi suddenly is. This is a kind of violence.

JT tries to resist.  He knows that their relationship of three years was not based on her being this person, but they won’t hear any of it. As soon as a woman hurts a man, she goes from being a ‘queen’ to a ‘bitch’ in the male mind. And love is soon forgotten about by aiming for casual sex – some action – with just any girl:

“That’s right!” Vusi shouts over the music. “Tonight our mission is to make you forget all about that bitch and maybe get you some action!”

Now the plot takes a truly chilling turn, in the context of our country and violence against women. The boys figuratively attack Khanyi, break her down in JT’s eyes: her looks, her character, her morals, her values. They dehumanise her as ugly, a bitch, gold digger, and slut. They list her ‘faults’.

By the end of this exercise in insult and hatred, look what JT thinks:

“We went on for a while and just spent the day laughing and joking around. Whatever happened, I knew that my boys always had my back.”

This is a very, very warped view of what ‘having my back’ means.

Let’s detour here into real life. Let’s look at what can happen when this toxic male attitude to women runs to the extreme, especially in the world of celebrities and social media – as shown in Starstruck.

Remember what happened recently (March 2019) to gqom singer Babes Wodumo? Her boyfriend and manager, Mandla ‘Mampintsha’ Maphumulo, was attacking her. In desperation she switched on her phone and streamed the abuse. It went viral. Note: Mampintsha is a very large man; Babes is a small woman.

When Babes went to lay a charge, supported by her family, Mampintsha and his lawyers claimed that she was the violent one and wanted to lay a counter charge. Mampintsha suddenly tried to present his ‘queen’ as a ‘bitch’. Let’s hope that with the support of her family Babes can get out of the clutches of this toxic male. Read more here.

At the climax of Starstruck, the dark side of fame and the enormous reach of social media almost destroys JT’s chance of success as a singer. An unscrupulous gutter journalist digs through his rubbish, finds and posts the demeaning list about Khanyi on the internet.

This act also reveals an unwelcome side of JT to Myrah. But – it also saves JT, puts him and his friends on a truer path to being better people; better men.

They are shocked by this shaming event into really looking at their attitudes to women: how shallow, harmful and demeaning their words and attitudes have been. They know they need to be to themselves, not warped male reflections of a sexist society. They need to change.

“We think we’re the good guys. But are we really just bad guys?” Vusi asks.

“No,” Kent says. “We’re good guys! Bad guys don’t repent.”

JT uses his fame and social media to make a heartfelt apology.  In doing so, he saves his career, his relationship, and of course sets himself (and others) on the path to becoming a better man:

We hear songs on the radio that disrespect women and we laugh and sing along. This isn’t the way it should be. I admit I was one of those people who said things without thinking of the consequences.

A final thing to think about: What is ‘social media’? It’s you and me! It’s our ‘views’ and ‘likes’ and ‘dislikes’ and ‘comments’.  We make things ‘go viral’. How do you use your social media? Do you stray onto the dark, damaging side, or stick to the good, being true to your best self?

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Tell us: Do you agree that the words and phrases men use about women have negative consequences for women, or are they ‘just words’? If so, which words and phrases?