Nandi walks home from school, looking at her results. She has passed matric with university exemption. Excited and proud of herself, she hurriedly walks home to tell everyone the news, but then she remembers something hurtful her father said to her when she showed him her second-term results. She had gotten a B for Maths. He told her she might as well start applying at the local supermarket since she can never be good enough for any other job. This had really upset her and ever since then she has worked hard to prove him wrong.

She opens the door to her home and walks into the kitchen.

“Oh, Nandi, it’s you, did you get your marks?” Aunt Rose asks.

Nandi smiles. “Seven distinctions!”

“Congratulations, sweetie, I’m so proud of you!” Aunt Rose says. The excitement on her face is that of a mother seeing her baby walk for the first time. She jumps up and down and hugs Nandi.

Nandi hugs Aunt Rose back, but she sheds a tear because she wishes her parents would be this excited for her. Aunt Rose has always felt like her mother. Aunt Rose does not have any kids, so she has also considered Nandi as her own.

“What are you going to do now?” Aunt Rose asks.

“I haven’t decided yet, Aunt Rose,” Nandi says, thinking that she can’t tell Aunt Rose the truth. For a while now, Nandi has had a plan to move to a different country. She wants a fresh start and a life away from her family, in the hopes of finding happiness and acceptance there.

That night, Nandi purposely leaves her matric results, in a brown envelope, neatly placed in the centre of the glass table. The envelope is labelled, “Nandi’s results”. She’s hoping for a few words of congratulations from her family.

A week passes and no one has mentioned it. Zinzi had completed her matric two years before but didn’t pass. She must have felt jealous towards Nandi, because in the days that follow, she makes even more nasty comments about Nandi’s body than usual.

****

It is the December holidays and Nandi sits in her room making plans to go overseas. She has applied for an au pair job in France. She has always dreamt of going to France. She admires Paris, the Eiffel Tower, and the glamour of the country, but especially the fashion. She is passionate about fashion and feels France is the perfect country for an aspiring fashion designer. Her plan is to save money while she au pairs and then study, so she can have her dream job as a fashion designer for women with curves. She wants to design clothes for women like herself and represent them in the fashion industry.

A few weeks later, Nandi has sorted out everything. It is the night before her departure. In her small room, she lies on her stomach with her feet up on the mattress on the floor. She holds a pen in one hand and writes a letter to her parents:

Dear Mom and Dad

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt out of place and not loved here at home. Mom, you have always made me feel bad about my body and this made me hate myself. The negative comments you’d throw at me became a daily thing. You were constantly finding fault in me. You made me try diets that never worked because I wouldn’t make it to day 3 without a packet of chips or a cupcake. My weight would increase instead of going down. I remember the disappointment on your face.

Dad, you’ve always made me feel bad for being a girl instead of a boy. When I was small, I tried wearing male clothes, cutting my hair and telling you I hate the colour pink. I’d watch sports with you and pretend I was interested in it. I’d buy us matching soccer t-shirts to wear to the games. I’d tell you I love cars and that I want to become a mechanical engineer. In return, you’d distance yourself from me or try to make me feel bad some way or the other. You’d tell me, “If I had a son, I’d take him fishing with me today”. Now I’ve realised I will never be good enough.

It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that I have decided to leave your lives for good. I hope this makes you happy. Please do not try to contact me or find me. I will be happy wherever I am. I love you.

Yours sincerely
Nandi

Nandi folds the letter and leaves it on the coffee table where her parents can find it the next morning. Then she sets her alarm so she can leave early, while everyone is still asleep.