That’s how it is. I can’t look into my heart for fear of what I will find there. I live pretending that nothing has happened. I continue to ignore the fact that my period still hasn’t come – by going out with the girls and dating Sandile. Accepting his gift of the dress I saw at Century City. And, most of the time, I can forget that my brother’s rape trial is coming up in a few months. I am trying so hard to forget my other life.

“Friday means freedom girl,” Sandy laughs. It’s the end of the varsity term. We are in the student centre watching the boys playing at a pool table. The centre is full. Everyone is busy. I feel so light now that I have made it through a whole term. We are waiting for Nosie who is ordering drinks for us at the bar.

“Freedom – what’s that supposed to mean?” I laugh.

“The girls’ night out.”

“No! I’m not going anywhere tonight chommie.”

She responds: “Tonight Ntando and Mafikizolo are performing at the Italian.”

“Are you serious chommie?” I ask, curious.

“Why would I lie to you?” she replies.

At home late that afternoon, as I put on my dress for the night out, I realise I have put on weight. It is a squeeze. I can’t ignore the fact that my period still hasn’t come for much longer. But I have also been eating too much. My auntie has been feeding me up with her plentiful, delicious food since I got here. Perhaps I am just getting fat? I hope with all my heart it is that.

Eish, if I am pregnant it will mean something I can’t even start to think about. Can God please work miracles for me not to be pregnant? I pray, as I zip up the dress. I know that on Monday I just have to go to the clinic and find out. For now I will go out and try not to think about it.

I send Sandile an SMS:

Italian arnd 7 pm

He doesn’t reply. But when we get to the Italian I see his car.

“Baphi ooZia, Nosie and Zen bona chommie, where are they?” I ask Sandy as she goes inside.

“You know them, nje. They are already inside…”

“Go ahead. I’ll follow you shortly,” I tell her.

I’m just outside stnding by ur car.
Cum out plz. Bring me sumthing 2drnk

Sandile comes out with two carry packs and a nip of J&B whiskey.

He kisses me as he puts the drinks on the bonnet of his car. “Here sthandwa sam, my love.”

“Thanks babe.”

We stand in front of his car and drink. We kiss and Sandile says, “Baby, can I take you home with me tonight?”

“Later. I want to dance right now. Who is the DJ?”

“Only Max.”

When I get inside Sandy is swinging her hips on the dance floor as the house music is playing.

“Come over here,” she shouts.

“You seem drunk already. Where did you drink?” Zia asks.

I am feeling a bit sick now. My legs don’t feel steady.

“Calm down girls. I got it from my boyfriend.”

“So, it’s official. He’s your boyfriend…your Ben 10,” Sandy says.

“Yes! Why not?”

Nosie asks, “What is it that you drank?”

“A nip of J&B and Strong Bow ciders,” I say.

“No wonder it took you so long,” Sandy says.

I dance on the floor and lose track of time. When I go to get water at the bar I see Sandy talking to Sandile. She is blushing, flirting with him. I look at her differently then. A wave of nausea takes over and I run to the toilets where I vomit. Sandile comes to find me.

“Let’s go,” I tell him.

But Sandy is there, pulling me towards the door. “You are going with me Nonyaniso, not him,” she says firmly. “I promised your aunt. You are getting drunk.”

“I will see that Noni gets home safely,” says Sandile. It is the first time I have seen another side of Sandy. She glares at us as we leave. She is just as drunk, if not more, than I am.

Sandy is jealous and she watches us angrily as we walk out of the tavern.

We have sex in Sandile’s car. I feel nothing. No, not nothing – I feel loss. I miss Sihle’s touch. When I am back in my bed I wrap my arms around myself like Sihle used to do.

As if he feels me in the dark, an SMS arrives:

I love and miss u. Sweet
dreams and take care.

That night in my dreams I find myself back in the village.

“Go back to the party and have some fun,” Sihle says, stroking my cheek.

“Not without you.”

“Go on. I have to study. I have an exam.”

“OK, but I will be back soon,” I promise.

“Take a bottle from the fridge.”

I grab a bottle of Smirnoff and run out into the dark. I can hear the music from up the hill. I can hear my girlfriends shouting and giggling. I run up to join them. I push on the door. Somebody pulls it open from the inside. It is Sabelo…”

Then I wake up screaming. My aunt soothes me back to sleep.

* * *

Tell us: What do you think about Noni sleeping with Sandile?