“Please Gugu, my love, it’s been five years and every year on this day you do this. Please let go, my love, it wasn’t your fault,” Sam said sadly, hugging Gugu. Since their baby had died, they had tried to get pregnant again, but nothing had happened.

They were sitting in the garden outside their new house, where they spent their Sundays each and every week without fail.

“I never even held Enzo,” cried Gugu.

“And every year on this day, we mourn him, as we should. I’m sure he’s looking down on us from heaven, seeing how we love him,” Sam said.

“I asked God e …” Gugu rushed to the bathroom to vomit.

She came back and sat down next to him.

“There is something I want to tell you,” Gugu said.

Sam nodded for her to go ahead.

“I want to be sterilized, so I can’t get pregnant again. Before you try to convince me otherwise – I can’t carry another baby just to lose it,” said Gugu.

“You can’t play God with your body. What if God wants us to have a child in a few years, what then?” Sam exclaimed, shocked.

“Where was this God when my son died, hmm? Where was he? Where was he each time I took a pregnancy test and it came out negative?” Gugu shouted.

“That’s the problem there, you think this only affects you! I hardly sleep, thinking you might kill yourself or harm yourself,” Sam said, calmer now.

Gugu looked down at her hands, playing with her ring. “That’s why I’ve also decided to let you go, so you can find someone who is woman enough to give you kids and who won’t give you sleepless nights.”

Sam just shook his head in disbelief. “Gugu, you’re more than enough woman for me.”

Gugu sighed. “I love you, but I have to let you go so you can be with someone who will bear you children.

As if on cue, the clouds suddenly turned dark and within seconds it started to rain heavily. Gugu and Sam rushed into the house, consumed by their thoughts.

If only they paid attention to the clouds before they turned dark, they might have received the answers they sought.

*****

Two months later, Gugu sat in Dr Dlamini’s office.

“Gugu, we have to follow certain procedures before we can sterilize you,” Dr Dlamini said.

“What is the procedure, doc?” asked Gugu.

The office door slammed open and Sam rushed into the office. “Gugu, please reconsider your decision,” he begged.

Gugu sighed. “Sam, what’s the use? l told you to leave and you refused. Stop trying to change my mind. It’s all the same. Even if I were to fall pregnant, how am I to know that this time my child won’t die?” Gugu said.

“You can’t know that. You’re not God,” Sam said.

“Exactly, so I am going ahead with this,” Gugu said adamantly.

“Fine, allow me to be with you on this journey then,” Sam pleaded.

Gugu closed her eyes and sighed. Sam loved her so entirely. All he wanted was for her to be happy, even if he didn’t agree with her choices.

“Okay since we all agree, the first step is for me to check if you are not pregnant,” Dr Dlamini said.

“I’m not pregnant, doctor,” Gugu replied quickly.

“Even so, it’s proper procedure that I check and confirm, so I don’t make any mistakes,” said Dr Dlamini. “Thanks to technology, we can do the test and get the results in no time.”

****

“Okay, my dear Gugu and Sam, I have the results with me,” Dr Dlamini said when she saw them again.

“Doctor, we know I’m not pregnant. So what comes next?” Gugu asked impatiently.

“I’m sorry Gugu, the results say you are just over three months pregnant,” said Dr Dlamini.

“But how?” Gugu cried out.

The happiness on Sam’s face couldn’t be missed. Cars were hooting loudly outside, as if to celebrate the news.

“I want an abortion,” Gugu announced.

Dr Dlamini and Sam spoke at the same time. “You can’t.”

Dr Dlamini went on. “Unfortunately, you’re too far gone, you can’t abort now.”

Sam looked at Gugu pleadingly. “Baby please take this as a sign from God that his timing is the best. Please don’t deny me the chance of being a father again, please don’t deny us the chance to be parents again,” he said.

Gugu cried and just shook her head, remembering the trauma she had gone through five years before. But she had no choice. Maybe she had been wrong about God after all?