I swear I have never felt this dumb!

So, today I wrote a class test – and I have to say, it was the most horrible test I’ve ever written in my whole life. True to my nature, again, I got to class late!

When I got to class, everyone except me, had sat down and had started writing. I found an empty desk next to Mo and quietly sat down next to him, disappointed that he didn’t even bother to look up.

The test was a real TEST though! It’s the kind of test that will make you wonder why you even bothered to study.

I didn’t know what to feel after I wrote the test. Should I be happy that it was over and done with? Or should I worry about the marks: did I pass, at least?

I felt alone!

In the past, whenever I felt like this, there was only one person I could turn to for comfort. I dialled his numbers, amazed that even though we haven’t spoken in months I still know his number by heart.

***

“Don’t worry about it, sana lwam. I’m sure upasile,” mom says. I can hear from the way she speaks that she wishes I hadn’t called.

“Who knows I might just surprise myself, hey!” my attempt at faking optimism is not convincing.

She coughs. For a few seconds, nobody talks. Then she says: “Can I call you later? I’m kinda in the middle of something now,” she says. I want to say no, to shout it in fact, but she hangs up before I can say anything.

“Urgh! This is so typical of you, MOM!” The words that come out of my mouth are cold and filled with anger!

I feel alone!

What kind of a mother hangs up on her daughter like that? This is not happening for the first time. The last time I called she said she would call me later and I’m still waiting for that call. What should I do to get her attention? Should I write a petition?

I know that some of you might call me a spoilt brat throwing an unnecessary tantrum. I should grow up and realise that I’m not the centre of gravity? My mother’s world doesn’t revolve around me and I’m old enough to understand that, right?

***

This is precisely what I hate about growing up: the fact that distance grow between people who were once close. The fact that there comes a stage in life where someone you once knew very well becomes a total stranger.

Growing up is a load of cow-dung, I tell you! There are too many things to worry about when you’re old than when you’re young, but parents don’t seem to understand that. Instead, they leave you to figure everything out for yourself.

They give you the freedom that you’ve always yearned for. You can now exercise your rights without their permission. You now live in your own flat in another province and you go out every other night you feel like it.

But, even with the freedom, growing up is still a load of cow-dung, especially if the people who saw it fit to bring you to this life are not there!

They are too busy to even spare a moment of their lives to check on you. What the hell did you bring me here for then?

I feel alone. But one thing I know is that I didn’t give birth to myself. I didn’t ask to be born. I was born.

There was laughter and tears of joy when I was born. There was a father and there was a mother; a union that had combined two separate beings to form one.

And that ONE was me.

This ONE shouldn’t be neglected!

This ONE shouldn’t feel alone in this world.

***

There was only one person I could turn to whenever I needed comfort. But we don’t speak anymore. My dad! Why him? Well, obvious reasons: mom was always busy.

She still is!

ZZ xx

Dish it: how do you feel about growing up?

Let’s catch up on Facebook: The Diary of Zinzi Zwane.