Money does not buy happiness; it only creates an illusion, a sort of fake happiness. It offers us a chance to escape from the mundane trivialities of everyday life, but it does not totally erase everything. It’s not as if I had a lot of money to spend all my troubles would go out of the window forever, or I would simply just forget the precarious situation my father is in.

How I wish dad could understand this, too. I mean, today he gave me money and said I should take Sim out because he can’t how “stressed out and sad” we look. So, he figures we can do with a bit of fresh air. But I think it was just his way of getting us out of the way so that he and Sis Zukiswa can have some time to talk in private. I think there’s something he’s not telling us.

I wonder what it is.

I mean, the results were supposed to be out a long time ago, but apparently there was a mix-up or something and they had to start from scratch. All this waiting is making me anxious! I think that’s part of the reason dad wanted me out of his room. I can’t sit down; I keep pacing around the room wondering what the doctors would say. How far has the cancer spread?

Just as much as I don’t like spending time at the hospital, in dad’s room, with him sleeping most of the time. Thanks to the drugs they keep feeding. Drugs to take away the pain – they say. I guess the money is also meant to take our pain away, right?

So, today Sim and I went to the mall. He was just too happy to get away from the hospital and its smell of death and sickness and shitty coffee for a while. We went to watch a comedy. They say laughter is the best medicine, right? But I just couldn’t laugh. I spent the whole time in the cinema wondering how life would be if dad is not around. And being with Sim didn’t help one bit.

My brother can ask some of the most stupid questions. Stupid, but hard to answer! He asked me if dad was dying. The question caught me off-guard, but I tried my best to act all natural. I told him not to worry; that things will be fine when the time is right. Things always get better with time. I don’t know if I was convincing, but he nodded. I guess that’s enough, right?

This not knowing is nonsense. I mean, all those doctors, with all their qualifications, can’t just tell us what’s wrong with dad. This is just boring, hey!

ZZ xxx