This is a Chinese proverb my wise boyfriend just quoted to me. We were sitting in the garden just after dinner chatting. You know those awkward moments when neither of you want to say what you really think in case you hurt the other? Well, we were wallowing in it when it blurted it out.
I don’t blame him. I must say it helped though; we got a lot of things off our chests. I learnt more about my boyfriend’s insecurities than he was willing to admit. He told me the whole story of how he lost his heart to a woman who took it and fed it to the sharks. I could visibly trace the pain in his eyes as he told me. I understand now.
I also told him of my… well, I told him nothing. It was more his redemption and recovery that we focused on. I was allowed to ask him intimate questions which he answered even though he was aching inside. I think he still loves her. It doesn’t hurt me to acknowledge that, in fact it makes me love him and appreciate him more.
I suppose at some stage I’ll have to tell him about my story. Not the riches to rags one, he already knows that one. But the one that involves me shuddering and running every time he tries to get intimate. Why I never initiate sex and always have excuses when things get hot and heavy. Why every boyfriend I ever had has called me a tease and dumped me for it.
I suppose he deserves to know. I mean, we are in a relationship and he did come all this way to ‘fix us’. I owe him that much. I hope he takes it better than the rest of them pretended to. I won’t be surprised if he runs. It’ll hurt but I’ll get over it.