Theo Jonker brings you snippets of the funny, astounding and often just plain weird things he sees and hears when he travels by Metrorail in Cape Town.

Mr Tupperware Tanne

Cold, wintry, windy days provide Metrorail with a terribly easy excuse. They announce, “The trains are running late due to stormy weather. Please be patient. Thank you.”

That’s it, plain and simple. It is stormy and you will be late.
What about the people who are experiencing a stormy marriage? They dare not be late for anything …

A guy stands opposite me throwing redskin peanuts into his mouth, showing two sparkling gold teeth. The movement of his mouth is like a cow chewing grass, chewing the cud. Dis asof hy herkou. He glances at his cellphone all the while.

He’s clearly enjoying the fresh redskin peanuts. At Parow station he looks around, pushes the false teeth halfway out of his mouth whilst his two gold teeth are glaring at me.
I think the redskins found a way between his palate and his gold teeth, but he takes his time to suck them back into his mouth. He’s probably not worried that a fly could end up sitting on his exposed tupperware tanne.

I’m strangely intrigued by this not-so-pretty scene. He has half a packet of the redskins left when the train slows down and we reach Tygerberg station and that’s when things take a really ugly turn.

A piece of the redskins decide to irritate Mr Tupperware Tanne’s throat. He goes into a frantic coughing fit.

With bloodshot eyes he desperately tries to get it under control. At the same time a big sneeze squeezes its way through the overwhelming coughs. This becomes just too much for Mr Tupperware Tanne. Something has to give.

As the sneeze reaches its climax and the redskin increases its irritation, he sneezes and coughs at the same time.

I’ve seen a lot of things in my life but I have never seen this done before.

I must admit that until now I didn’t even know that it was biologically possible.

The tupperware tanne must obviously not have been fitted properly. With the combination of coughing and sneezing they went somersaulting through the air, elegantly taking a high trajectory before landing upside down on the carriage floor.

Red in the face, like the redskin peanuts, the embarrassed guy grasps and misses with his left hand, grasps and misses again, all while covering his mouth with his right hand.

“Aaaaweh my mase kin’ hoevil kêrrit gold is hai om te sê?” a vendor asks with a naughty twinkle in his eyes.

“Djy moetie mis bytie ou bra,” he continues.

Mr Tupperware Tanne gathers himself and reaches for his teeth which are smiling at him from the carriage floor, then unceremoniously shoves them into his jeans pocket.

“Miskien moet ie ou ma ‘n kleinere size vat. Ek scheme hai tanne is al ytgetrap,” the vendor adds as the the train reaches Bellville station.

At one stage I also considered getting tupperware tanne…

Get up on your Cape Flats slang…

Aaaaweh my mase kin’ hoevil kêrrit gold is hai om te sê –Aaaaweh my mother’s child how much carrot gold is – Aaaaweh my mother’s child how many carat gold are your teeth –

Djy moetie mis bytie ou bra – You mustn’t bite the wrong thing

Miskien moet ie ou ma ‘n kleinere size vat. Ek scheme hai tanne is al ytgetrap – Maybe you should take a smaller size. I scheme those teeth are all knocked out…

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Tell us about your train experience, was it as eventful as this?