I interviewed my friend Olona Cetywayo about one of the most burning topics in varsity – “Umjolo” which is an African concept that means dating. For many years, this concept used to be associated with shame, one of the reasons for that being that African parents did not approve of it, especially in teenagers. But over the years, it has become more acceptable, especially with the rise in social media.

Olona is a 5th-year medicine student at the University of Cape Town. She is one of the top students in her class, judging by the fact that she recently received an award for her three distinctions and a grade average of 77% in her academics. This made her a person of interest to interview about Umjolo, because one of the reasons why African parents despise Umjolo is that they believe it is distracting to learners and students, so I wanted to find out if that was true for her.

“Dating is forming a relationship with a person with the intention to get to know them and establish a long-term partnership that leads to marriage, ” she said. This is an interesting definition she used to describe Umjolo. I thought dating can begin as early as grade 3 in primary school, so are kids that young already thinking about marriage? She said the definition differs for everyone, which is true because more often than not, people claim to date for fun.

Olona is in her early twenties, and she believes that at this stage of her life, as much as the need for external assistance rises in many things she does, the need for Umjolo is not yet that prominent in her life because she has friends that she shares life with. I asked her if she saw the necessity to have a partner and she said she does because one gets to a certain stage in life whereby friends and family have their own lives and can no longer be as available to do life with. A sad reality of growing up indeed.

She views university and Umjolo as long-term investments meaning that instead of choosing between the two, which we often think we have to do, she believes one has to find a balance between the two. So, maybe Umjolo only becomes a distraction when one chooses it over their academics. Balance seems to be the key.

“In the modern day and age, dating has been influenced a lot; there has been a standard set, for example one should go out on expensive dates and on picnics in order for them to be considered to be in a happy romantic relationship. Which I think was not the same in the past because you then could just write a love letter and your partner would feel your love instead of exhausting resources that you don’t have,” she said. Her response sparked one thing in my mind: the influence of social media.

African parents often tell their children to finish high school first and then consider dating, but it often becomes a dilemma for first-year students to decide whether to date when they get to varsity away from home. “For your first few years of varsity, just try and grow yourself first before you decide to build something with anyone because you are an individual before you are in that partnership with a person.” Wise words coming from our future doctor.

First years, is there clearer advice than this? This doesn’t only apply to first years though, because we tend to think that Umjolo is a place of healing and growing, but how much more fruitful would dating be if we all didn’t expect the other person to facilitate our growth and mend our broken hearts? This is a challenge, therefore, to check ourselves first before joining long-term partnerships.

To conclude the matter, I asked Olona what the best thing about dating and this was her response, “Relationships are more intimate than friendships so you get to establish a sense of family away from home, someone you can breathe with if ever life gets overwhelming.” This goes to prove that when you know why you are dating and where you stand with your partner, Umjolo doesn’t have to be a distraction. Just maybe don’t do it in grade 3, yeah?

This piece was written as part of the Fundza Fellowship Programme.