According to Wikipedia identity is defined as the qualities, beliefs, personality traits that characterize a person. One of the questions people ask themselves when trying to find their identities is, who am I? I have been asking myself this question recently, and I am ashamed to say the only answer I give is my name, surname and age. That made me realise that I don’t know myself.

Throughout childhood I have always walked in someone’s shadow, I have changed a lot of things about myself to idolize what was considered as the perfect image. I would go to any extent to make someone happy and of course, sacrificing my own happiness. So, when I am told to be myself, I get confused because I don’t know what to be because I’ve never been myself ever. As much as it is satisfying to get the attention and love from people, it is emotionally draining to fish for as I will have to keep finding new ways every time to impress them and gain their love.

This made me look into my life and realise that during our early teens we start to look for our identities, and during this period we get lost and fail while finding who we are. During this period we are faced with challenges of accepting differences between us, we are trying to fit in with our peers and we are forcing ourselves to become what is considered the perfect image. During that time we are scared of standing out and being different from the rest and we end up adopting other people’s identities. We find them more interesting, accepted and preferred than our true identities. Due to fear of being the odd one out, we try hard to fit in and be people we are not.

As much as this is considered as a normal thing, “all adolescents pass through this stage” there may be other underlying factors causing this. Factors like growing up in a home where parents are absent in their lives, physically, mentally and emotionally. The need for love and belonging forces them to be a pleaser, fitting in everywhere and trying to be loved by everyone. Also parents comparing them to their siblings or peers, this makes them feel like they are not good enough. Then they learn to fight for love and approval, resulting in having the mindset that they constantly must prove themselves to be valued and love.

As one grows older and discovers that they don’t like the person they are, it is important for them to do something about that. Go out there and discover who you are, what makes you happy and forget everything you were told about yourself. The first step is to remember that everyone is different and that’s what makes us special. There is only one you and no one can play your role like you do. There may be people who do things better than you, people who have better things than you, but they can never be you even if they try and that is the beauty of differences. So, when you are trying to be someone you are not you are subjecting yourself to pain and suffering. You are limiting and restricting yourself to the things you can do.

This was written as part of the Fundza Fellowship Programme.