After everything I had gone through the previous year, life was not that easy for me. Even though I was trying so hard to move on and forget about everything, there were just those days where everything I wanted to forget just crept in and I couldn’t handle it. It was just too painful.

In trying to move on, a few things changed about me. I was no longer so bubbly and fun but instead I grew rude and moody. I would snap at anyone who got in my way and never talked to anyone if I didn’t feel like it. My friends found it difficult to keep up with me and always wondered what they did wrong or what was going on. But being me, I kept quiet because I had convinced myself that I’m strong enough to handle everything.

“I don’t break easily, so I’m okay on my own,” I’d say to console myself.

How ironic, because I spent every night crying to my pillow, wondering why everything was happening and what I had done wrong. I also started gaining weight too because I now spent most of my time sleeping and watching TV. Even though I didn’t eat much but because I had become so lazy I gained weight. Somehow I didn’t care. I had thought that being thick would hide my scars, that maybe men would just stay away and find me unattractive – which for me was no bummer.

I began to hate men.

I lost trust and never allowed boys near me. I was rude and stubborn towards them. Every time a guy approached me and proposed his love to me I would tell him to take a hike and leave me alone. But I guess it’s true when they say there is always that one particular person who just eases your heart. That one person who can get close enough to shake you and send the walls you’ve built around yourself crumbling to the ground.

Well in December 2010 I met that one person who made my heart skip a beat, who made my knees weak and made me feel so special. His name is Siphosethu but for me he was my gift not ‘“our” gift’, boy!

I was visiting my cousin Lisa and we were at a friend’s party when I met him. He walked in with a group of friends. Oh boy! was he handsome! Tall, dark with those brown small eyes and cute smile. I couldn’t resist him.

I guess I also caught his eye too because he came and introduced himself and my million-dollar smile sent his heart melting. Something was different here, with this guy, I had not been rude to him and after chatting for a while we went for a walk. Mahn! My heart was dancing, beating uncontrollably.

We found a spot and chilled there and he proposed his love for me. I hesitated but then he kissed me and mmmhm it was juicy. I accepted his proposal and we started going out. He looked more handsome every time I saw him and I liked him. Our relationship was fun and casual, we hung out and chilled, we had fun.

So after December I came home and I decided to forget about him since I thought it was just summer fun, December love. But I thought wrong. He stayed in contact, and would come to see me and I sometimes would go to see him. We didn’t live that far from each other only just a 25 minute drive and a taxi away. He became my best guy friend and he was good to me.

He listened to me, he made me laugh and if I happened to wake up in the middle of the night and got bored I would call him and he wouldn’t mind. We talked for hours and he also introduced me to his family but I only met his siblings and not his parents. I was too young to play the “umakoti” role even though he had wanted me to meet them, I refused.

And yes, like every relationship we had our ups and downs, and complications, but we always managed to get through them.

After two years of being with Siphosam, life finally caught up with me. He had been so patient with me and could no longer understand why I never wanted to have sex with him. And I couldn’t tell him why because I was afraid he’d leave me. Being the good, loving girlfriend, I wanted to make him happy; I wanted to give myself over to him.

I remember the night we had come from a chillas and it was too late for me to go home so I slept over at his house.

It was a chilled night and we were cosy. When he caressed me and we kissed, I was feeling him and so was he… We slowly undressed each other. But when he got to the part where he was unzipping my pants, memories of that awful night flashed and I couldn’t do it. I just freaked out and asked him to stop. I wasn’t ready. He stopped but he was also mad at me, couldn’t understand what was going on.

So I told him the truth.

I also told him that if he wanted to break up I would understand. But he didn’t. Instead he was sincere. When I expected him to leave me he loved me even more. But that was only the beginning, the year was still gonna be long…

***

Tell us: Is it difficult for you to let it go when your partner doesn’t want to be intimate with you and you do? How do you handle it?console.log(‘ThelmsSurveyLink::GetLinkArray() returned ‘, false);