My name is Pano Gugu, and I’m the son of King Pore and Queen Ame Gugu. That makes me a Prince, I guess, but this is not something I’m proud of. Being the only son of the King and Queen of Juru Kingdom was not as easy as people might imagine, for me at least. I always felt out of place; like I was in someone else’s skin.

As l grew older, this feeling of being misplaced grew within me. I knew that a man was meant to be with a woman, not a man. But I could not control how I felt whenever I saw an attractive guy. My mother knew about it. I told her about it, and she had a specific response. “You shouldn’t to tell anyone else about it. Especially your father,” she said. “He’ll kill you with his bare hands.”

While growing up, there was nothing I could do about these feelings but just suppress them. I was truly convinced it was wrong, up to the point when I started feeling disgusted with myself. To top it all off, at the age of 16, I lost the only person I could talk to about it. That’s right, my mother died. It was just me and my father, and I had to figure out how to deal with hiding who I truly was from him. Luckily, my father was always away doing his Kingly duties, and that made my life a little less gruesome. That was how it was until, one day, I decided to confess how I felt to my father’s advisor’s son, who ran straight to his father, and his father told my father.

I remember my father’s disappointed face after hearing the news like it was yesterday. He was so humiliated with having me as his son, and as a result, he sent me to a boarding school.

During the holidays, I would go to our lake house, where I would be forced to sleep with different beautiful woman. My father felt that they would help me change, but it honestly did not work. I went through with it because I honestly had no choice but to. I just imagined that I was with Oma. He was a boy in my class, and I really, really liked him. But that was my life, and I had accepted it.

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On my birthday, I went to the lake house for a week, just like usual. Doing that was my punishment from my father. I would have rather spend my birthday 21st birthday doing something else, like horse racing or swimming. If only I could go against my father, but instead, I was all packed up and ready to go get straightened.

As usual, everyone was already waiting for me at the gate that morning, even though it was only six in the morning. It was like my father could not wait to give me the “if you’re going to be a King one day, you need to get over this liking men nonsense” speech, and God knows I had heard it too many times. My father was really convinced it was all just a phase, and that I would be back to my senses soon. I wish it was that simple, though. I wish there was a switch I could just turn off and become the son he always imagined me to be.

As I was walking towards the convoy, I realised there were more cars than usual, and something was not right.

“Kora, why are there more cars than usual?” I asked.

“Your father’s here?” Kora responded.

Before responding, I just shook my head and covered my face. “He missed me already?” I asked sarcastically. “Talking on the phone is always better.”

We both laughed, but nothing felt more uncomfortable like seating next to my father. On that day, he pretended I was not there for close to 20 minutes, then he cleared his throat.

“We’re going to Shashi Village to meet your new bride,” my father said.

“My wha …t …?” I responded.

“Your bride,” my father said, looking for a reaction from me. “The throne advisors believe your union with Princess Runi will benefit the Kingdom greatly. They believe it will not only unite our Kingdoms, but it will strengthen our boarders and there will be peace between our people.”

I was used to being told what to do and when to do it, all in the name of the kingdom, so I just responded positively. What was I supposed to say? I had lost the will to fight him.

“You’re going to be King one day, and the Kingdom needs a good queen,” my father went on to say. “I surely hope she’ll knock some senses into you, and you’ll get over this homosexuality phase of yours.”

Instead of responding, I just kept my head down. My father just could not get me. I knew he was right, no Kingdom was going to allow a man for a queen, but it was pointless to beat myself up over things I had minimum control over. Believe me, I had tried before with no success.

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