Ever seen a pond which you can dive into at any time, make it really dirty and look the other way the next time you walked past it? I was that pond.

He left for hours. My sanity kept telling me to leave but I wanted to speak to him. I had all sorts of thoughts running around in my head. This guy has never for once told me I am beautiful. I was way below his league, I was out of my depth.

“You need to dress sexy when you come see me, why so many clothes? I used to date a beauty queen,” he used to say. I was blessed with great features but didn’t care to enhance them and all these insecurities left me with the question: what was so special about me? Why not just date a beauty queen? I was gullible, that’s why.

He had left me with his brother and he tried to make a move on me. He told me his brother didn’t mind, he had spoken with him already and everything was settled. I was just a ball to be played with and kicked around to the next team mate. It hit me; I was really stupid. Tears started flooding and I don’t know whether he was trying to score points for himself or what, but I believed him.

He said that he was the one who forced his brother to agree for my coming there and that I should stop crying. He said he didn’t understand why girls forced themselves on people even when they could see that they didn’t love them.

I firmly rejected his advances and stood my ground. I would not allow myself to be degraded any further. After years of waiting, finally, they came back with a crate of beers. And he brought me cookies. I wanted to burst out with laughter. What does this guy take me for? I looked at him preparing a few missiles in my head, but humility stopped me. I could have off-loaded Oxford’s worst insults at him, but I shook my head and refused politely.

He sat down to have a conversation with his brothers, again shutting me out. I put my foot down and called him.

“Can I please have a word with you in private, please? I am sure you’re wondering why I am here,” at that moment they went silent; all eyes on me.

“We can speak a bit low, they won’t hear us. Can’t you see I am trying to get drunk here?”

I did as he asked. I told him that I wanted us to fix things. He blatantly told me about how he has told me already that he has moved on. I said no more and told his brother to take me to town.

“Can I ask you one more question?” I asked standing by. His phone rang, suddenly his face glowed and he told me he had to answer it. He was even forced to hug me. I wanted closure so I hugged him anyway just so I could feel him slip away. I walked out the same way I came in with the assurance that I was never to return again.

His brother dropped me off in town. I went straight to the park and I cried. I had to get my act together before I could call my two best friends, Thapi and Mike. I didn’t want their sympathy, just a listening ear. I could hear Mike’s ‘I told you so’, Thapi’s words kept ringing in my ears, “Don’t allow a man to disrespect you like that. It is about dignity girl, what about your dignity?” All I ever wanted to hear him say to me was how sorry he was, how sorry he was for lying, how he never wanted to hurt me, that it was all a prank to test my emotional intelligence and I didn’t even have to explain why I failed below par.

After much sobbing I called Mike first. Being a guy, he told me what I didn’t expect to hear.

“He was just trying to mend his ego. He was a jerk, forget about him and move on. But I told you so, you never learn do you? Well I hope you learned your lesson.”

The next call was to Thapi. She was compassionate.

“He did what? Tumi, I am so sorry but you saw this coming. He was cheating all along he is never satisfied. How were you dressed? You don’t do that when you go see a man, especially an ex. You show off your cleavage, he must see what he is missing. You’re not going to church. I am truly sorry my friend, don’t worry, you can’t sing the blues forever.”

Mike just shot straight to the point, “Move on, he was a scumbag,” simple as that. But not my Thapi.

The minute I arrived home I looked at myself in the mirror, long and hard. For the first time I saw a broken woman. Nigerian man admire a woman with high morals, who places value on herself by thinking highly of herself. Not a broken woman. Men can smell low self-esteem from far off. Why did it have to take a man for me to evaluate myself? I had serious personality issues and he was seriously shallow and never wanted to know more about me beyond the physical.

I should have seen serious red flag. The more I deflated him and pointed out his flaws, the more confident I became. I was over shadowed by the harness of my pain and as he left, so did his shadow follow him.

***

Tell us: What would you advise girls like Tumi?