Ever since I left home. My mother had been sick and depressed. The neighbours were taking care of her, helping with laundry, cooking and fetching her medicine from a local clinic. They had taken her off from the shack. She lived with them; in their big windowed house. The winter that year was too cold and rainy. I had been out of my mother’s sight for about three years.

Thabo had a diploma in Mechanical Engineering. He was working for one of the big companies. He had a well-paying job. Later on he bought us a house. We relocated to our new home, which had three bedrooms, lounge, kitchen and a large swimming pool at the back.

“Mom, please hand me the keys of my room,” Amanda said.

I threw them towards her direction.

“No sharing anymore!! No sharing anymore!!” Amanda chanted leaving me and my husband amazed.

My parent in-laws had paid us a visit. We were surrounding the big table as if we were escorting the most important person. This was the first time we had breakfast as a family at our new house. We hardly had that moment. My husband used to wake up very early and rush for work, children headed for school. There was a soft knock on the front door.

“I’m coming.” I said a bit louder. I stood up and walked towards the door. I pulled the door handler; opened the door. I couldn’t believe what my eyes saw; a very thin, old and shivering woman.

“How are you?” she said extending her arms to hug me. I closed the door behind me, so that the family won’t be able to see who I was talking with. I stepped aside to avoid the hug.

“Mom, what are you doing here? I thought I made myself clear to you when I said I want nothing to do with you. Look now you’re going to scare my kids,” I said. I was just not in my senses. I was shocked to see her like that.

“Please my child, give me one chance to talk to you. I will never bother you again.” She pleaded.

“I give you ten minutes to say whatever you want to say and get the hell out of my face. You are irritating me.” I said but sounded like I didn’t mean what I just said.

I wanted to talk to her but not at that time, not where we were. I just wanted her to go.

“I wanted to give you this,” she tried to hand me a necklace with a little horn on it. I refused to take it.

“The neighbours who had been taking care of me are leaving tomorrow. They are relocating to another province. I might leave with them if I manage to get my social grant transfer on time. Oh! About the necklace, it will bring you luck. Just wear it on your neck all the time,” she said extending her hand to give me the very same necklace again.

“I don’t want it, now go. I will come to your shack before you go.” I said and gripped her hand in assurance.

I came back to the table to finish off my breakfast.

“Who was that?” my husband asked.

“An old lady asking for directions,” I said faking a smile. I felt sorry for my mother. I wanted to help her but at the same time, keep her away from me. She would ruin everything. If she came close she would reveal the truth. I was known as an orphan in that family. The treatment I got was just out of this world.

The following day my mother was found dead in her shack. Her cold body was found by a door to door seller. He called the community members and then they phoned the police.

The autopsy of the deceased revealed the cause of death to be pneumonia. The colds of the winter got the better of her. I heard that in a queue at Boxer Supermarket where I bought Natasha’s birthday.

The following weekend it was going to be Natasha’s birthday. My mother’s funeral service was going to be on the same day as Natasha’s birthday. I organised the birthday party. I bought the biggest cake I could afford. I invited all her friends. The complicated weekend arrived before I knew it. My mind was just not there. I wanted to go to my mother’s funeral. I just needed an excuse to leave the party. But I never got one. My husband would ask where I was if I was out of his sight for a while. I never got the chance to go to her funeral.

Four days later after the funeral. I went to my mother’s shack. I still had my key. I opened the door and entered the shack. The floor was moist, most of the furniture we had was missing. There was a bed, inches away from the bed, there was a small table. My mother’s purse was hanged behind the door. I grabbed it with my shivering hands. Inside I found the necklace that I refused to take when she had tried to hand it over to me. I then found a folded letter written Victoria in bold. My knees got weak. I sat on the edge of the bed. The sponge was wet but I ignored it. The letter was written as follows:

Dear Victoria

Victoria I write this letter with a grieving heart. I was not brave enough to tell you this in person. You had an accident. You were in a coma for about five to seven months. You lost your left eye. In order for you to live a normal life just like other children, I had to sacrifice mine for you. I never thought one day I would be cursing the day I gave you my eye.

I will miss you.

This was the letter she was going to leave me with when she relocate to another province with her neighbours. Unfortunately she relocated to heaven.

After reading that letter I cried and cried till I fell asleep. It was so cold. I was tasting the colds that killed my mother. I wished the colds could kill me too. But they never did. I’m still alive but dead inside.

I will never forgive myself. I feel guilty, I feel like I’m the cruellest thing on earth. I seem to be living a happy life but I’m way too far from being happy. Never do what I did.

***

Tell us: What do you think of Victoria’s mother? Do you think she forgave her daughter before she died? Do you think Victoria should forgive herself or does she deserve to suffer?

The End