The look on his face was different, and from the length of his breath you could see the pain that graved his heart. Darkness knew the light of the smile she used to birth on his face; today he was afraid of the dark that might not reach the end. He lived his whole life and he never knew his own strengths, yet he gave everything to get past it. But he was weak as love to trade all his tears and give away the pain.

It was long enough, living on his own. Like a free bird in the skies he wished to be, to feel the winds beneath his wings, to soar above the cloud and spread his wings wide. But it seemed like he crashed on the grass before he could even climb to the branch. Life he never imagined before, now became a life to live out of all. Searching for words that were never lost was too easy but too hard to ease the pain. He wished he heard the deceits that every broken heart tells, but his heart couldn’t beat for anything anymore if not pain itself.

The old man started to count his days. His breath was too weak to hold on tight to the betterment that might come as he waited. He saw the sun going down in his eyes, darkness shrouding his hopes, and he knew that every minute would be the same as yesterday. The night fell down on its knees before him, with his eyes opened he had never seen anything to better the bitterness that clouded his eyes.

The night was too long and he wished he prayed but his soul was too broken to gather for Him. He watched the dawn break and wiped his tears aside. Raindrops of the sad lingering in a dry line on his face. He wished he wrote a letter but a paper and a pen wouldn’t contain, and yet words would only catch dust and rust unheard. The world became something he never thought about in his whole entire life.

He wished he lived young again and figured its ways but time for foolish thoughts had to end somehow. He thought he needed a friend to lean on for some time, but time was not there to make time for friends. He kept all his words, heavy enough to give up in life, and watch the distance between the two separate worlds where eyes never collide in romance. Dreams he had, bigger dreams and hopes like any other man could possibly have, but they all turned out to be his greatest wishes of a lifetime. All the promises he made were never contained and fulfilled.

It was more than decades since she had died now. He felt he couldn’t carry on with his life in that way; to live all his days enduring the pain that was growing every minute he breathed. He wanted to put all else behind and start all over again. The old man felt the fire next to his wounds to being home alone. He wanted far from home, far from the hurt, far from the pain and far from the memories.

There he is; hat covered his ears, heavy load on his shoulders, and coat beneath his knees. Its 5 a.m. at a train station, he left to a neighbouring city. He did what he always did best for his entire life; gardening was like a second married wife to him. He settled there, he seemed to like it there. Breathing in a new atmosphere, all his weight seemed to be lightened.

I could see the scars and the wounds of his past dissolving in the laughter that he had. And fading in a blow of every breath that he took. He seemed to have moved on, leaving all the past behind and enjoying the work of nature in its beauty. He looked happy, friends he made and they were as crazy as a joke. But the only thing that didn’t change was the man he became after he’d lost his wife. And there was no way he could come out of it except he went in.

He had to live in it, face it and challenge it until it was flushed out completely. Every moment he wanted to hold on tight to the laughter. Somehow it seemed as if sad froze his face and the glad of the fleeting moments couldn’t melt the cold and go. The truth was always inside of him, drinking to it couldn’t change the man he was, even if he hid his face in a crowd of laughter.

***