I was frustrated. My heart was bleeding. I felt my soul depart from my fleshly container. I didn’t deserve life.

“Life is not fair.” What a statement! The question is, who ever said it would be fair? And what is fairness according to us people? Is fairness being forever joyful? Is it an unchallenging life? What is fairness? Is it having everything we need? And to be precise, what is it that we need? Everything? And what is everything? The questions we ask and the things we ask of God.

Is it not us who become unfair to God? We ask for everything when we can’t even tell what everything is. Even the things that God does not deny us, but just can’t give us now, when we ask of them, we ask for them now, wanting them to happen in our own time.

Nothing in my life seemed to be right. What was right according to me? The frustrations became worse. Right to me was getting everything I wanted, when I wanted it and how I wanted it. But does God work like that? No! He does not work with chronology. But that did not stop me from wanting things done hastily. Yet I prayed for God’s perfect will. Funny isn’t it? It’s really funny how we pray for God’s perfect will and yet want our perceived will to happen. Our declarations and our faith contradict each other.

My mind was working against my heart. In my heart I would say, God I know you will help me.You will intervene. And then in my mind I would say another story. Perhaps that was the reason why everything in my life delayed or maybe everything was going wrong, because at certain points I had what I call self-neglect. I became so people-centred that my entire life was about the people around me. Everything about them.

Often we neglect ourselves without realising that we are doing it. We seem to forget that though we stand as pillars in our own lives and the lives of others, pillars sometimes fall. Not because they are weak, but because they are carrying more than they should.

That was my attitude towards everything that was happening. I was brushing everything off. I chose to be happy in spite of everything that was happening. And who can blame me for choosing to be happy? That was life for me. That’s how I grew up. You either chose to wear a bitter or better mask. It’s funny that as young as I was, I always chose a better one. I would smile even when I was hungry or hurt. That was my way of coping. I was forced to give my life direction at a very tender age and I did a better job at it.

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Tell us: Do you think it’s healthy to keep ones frustrations buried inside?