Tell me, have you ever found yourself wishing that you were dead? Like having been permanently terminated on planet earth? Like somebody could just come and kill you because you are burdened and you see no reason for living any longer? You feel less appreciated and loved. Have you ever been there, where all you experience in your life is nothing but a circle of pain? Where you pray and nothing changes for the better? Where you feel like God doesn’t even hear you?
I was there once. There was a point where I wished I was dead. Not really because I wanted to die, but because I was burdened. In my mind I held the thought that the dead are better off. I assumed all they did was worship God without a care. I thought like someone who had experienced the after-life, as if I had a clue what happens when someone dies. I would cry to God and ask Him to take my life. I did not want to commit suicide as it is a sin and would take me straight to hell. I wanted to drop dead or have someone kill me. I did not want to have blood on my hands. Not even my own. I just wanted my soul to depart from my fleshly container without me playing a part.
Painful, isn’t it?
In that moment, it mattered not whether God spoke or not. Death was all I desired. I did not want to pray for life or anything for that matter. I desired death. I wanted God to terminate my contract on planet earth. I played deaf and dumb to the voice of God and of people who wanted me alive. All I wanted was for them to help me pray for death and for God to be hasty to respond in granting me my death wish. Right in the middle of my death wish, I played ignorant of the fact that God responds only in three ways…
- No
- Not now
- Yes
I wanted only a yes. I had enough of His “not now”. Or maybe it was a yes that felt like a “not now” to me, who knows? It could have been any of the three. But then the truth is I wanted to die. Whether pre-maturely or not, I did not care. Death was all I desired.
I remember one day on my way to work, still having that death wish, I missed two accidents. I got so angry that they did not happen. I found myself in the middle of the road, not seeing a 4X4 car that was coming on my right. Not even hearing anything. It was like I had a mental block or something. Then the driver swayed, avoiding running me over.
My eyes opened to the incident and a woman on the side road said, “Didn’t you hear me warning you about the car?” I stared at her and continued walking. Then the driver snapped at me and said: “Can’t you see that this is a car? I will run you over. You should watch where you are going. Do you want to die?” And then he drove off.
He did not wait for me to respond but I responded anyway. I said, “Good question… Yes, I want to die. Running me over was going to be the best thing anyone has ever done for me.”
Was I crazy? No! I was not. I desperately wanted to die. Remember I was going to work. So I got into my consulting room and started crying. I did not cry because I nearly lost my life but because I did not lose a life I desperately wanted to lose. I cried because I missed my one chance to fulfil my death wish, an opportunity to get what I wanted.
I cried because I was still alive yet I wanted to die. And on the very same day, I climbed a venture that almost rolled over but did not. I got angry with God for not taking my life. It was like He was saying to me, “I can if I want to…but I won’t because I don’t want to.”
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Tell us: What do you think of her need to die? Have you ever felt that way?