Schools reopened and I was back for my last year. Sadly, Molutsi was not even here anymore. My mind was not at rest. I have to admit it, for once I wished the holidays had never come to an end. I looked at Ababalo, my classmate. It seemed that I could be her friend for the rest of the year because I had nothing to say to Lerato. It seemed she had nothing to say to me. She had already replaced me because she suggested that another girl sit with her in class.

I found it easy to talk to Ababalo, but she was too easy for my liking. She was prim and it annoyed me, but I had no choice. We hung out when I was not in the library because Ababalo could not care less about her books. She was so into the guys. Not one, but all of them. She had no type. I personally felt she was acting cheap, but I had no choice again. We didn’t click instantly either. Her way of life and mine differed by a lot. Mama didn’t like her and, to be perfectly honest, neither did I. The months went by. School work became harder, just like my life when Molutsi was not around.

“I can’t do this anymore Molutsi! I thought I could handle this but I can’t! You hardly ever see me. I know you’re now in varsity, but when you have time you go to Lerato!”

He looked at me and turned red. “I just… I love you… but I can’t stay with you because our relationship is not growing or going anywhere.”

He turned redder… He looked as if he had run out words and maybe he was tongue-tied. “Thando, can you hear what you’re saying?” he asked me, trying so hard to sound calm.

“Ya. Mo, I have thoroughly thought about it and I’ve decided to put my feelings aside,” I said.

“I can’t believe that you just said that. I can’t believe that you want to leave.” He then shouted. “You don’t know the shit I’m going through right now!” He stood up and pulled me against the wall of the back of his house. He looked at me and his eyes found mine instantly: “I fucken’ love you! Thando, ngiyaku thanda. Wena wedwa. Just you, girl.”

He held my wrist and twisted it so hard. I felt so much pain.

“You’re hurting me! Let go of me!” I shouted and started crying uncontrollably.

He let my wrist go and hugged me. “Don’t you love me?” he asked.

“I do,” I said loudly, “but let me go. I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

I ran so fast my heart kept on pounding and pounding. I could hear it loudly as if it was pounding in my head close to my ears and affecting my eardrums. I ran so hard my body wouldn’t stay still when I finally arrived home. I shivered and shook.

The event replayed continuously in my mind and gave me sleepless nights. Days after that, Molutsi came and asked to talk to me, but I was afraid of him and I couldn’t let him convince me to get back with him. There was no more ‘us’ and that was all my fault. But there should have never have been an ‘us’ or maybe that ‘us’ should have died long ago. Long before the baby, long before Lerato, long before we even met. This shouldn’t have gotten this far. It shouldn’t have become such a big deal. It should have died long ago.

But it didn’t.

***

I was starting to understand my life, bit by bit. I know I won’t get it all now, but at least I know it will all make sense in the end. As the months passed, I felt so hurt but I also felt that what I did was brave and it needed to be done.

“Where are you going, Jabu?!” Mama asked as Baba stood up.

“Ngya hamba! Angithi aningi funi,” he said angrily.

“Jabu!” Mama shouted, chasing after Baba, but he had taken the keys to the car and had already driven off before Mama could say anything else.

Men are all the same. I don’t see myself ever getting married or having any children. I prefer being alone. The drama of a family is one I certainly can’t handle. I had dreams and yes, I was going to achieve them.

As the year drew to an end, all anyone could speak about was the matric dance. I didn’t know whether to go. I even wondered if Molutsi had attended his matric dance, but Tobi said he had not bothered to come. That night he was with me at the back of his house.

Mama thought I should go, but I had made my mind up not to. I didn’t see a reason to go at all. That was until Lwazi asked me to be his date for his matric dance. I wanted to go, but I didn’t. I was too hurt because of Molutsi. It just hit me that he and Lerato had a thing and he cheated on me. I hate it when a guy is so rude as to date someone else while he’s with me. I feel disrespected and annoyed.

It’s been so long, but how do you forget someone you fell deeply in love with, especially your first? How do you stop loving someone that you can’t help thinking of every day? How do you leave a relationship that you’re dying to be a part of? How do you stop yourself from the memories haunting your mind and constantly reminding you of the times shared? You don’t because you can’t.

“Your father, uJabu…” Mama paused strangely. She had been crying so I knew it had to be bad news. I didn’t understand how Baba could just take off. He left some time ago and I hadn’t seen him since. And now, here she was, sad and torn. “He had an accident.”

I couldn’t believe what Mama had just said. Tears started rushing down my cheeks. My throat was raw.

“How? When? Where?” I asked her all at once.

“He was drunk and walking and he ended up being involved in a car accident.”

***

It’s been hard to go to school lately. My mind had suddenly been alerted to death. It just hit me that it can happen to anyone at all.

“…so what do you say?” Lwazi asked. I pretended not to have heard him.

“Thando, I really like you,” he said. “I think I love you!”

I felt nothing at the sound of those words. I didn’t feel any goose bumps or butterflies in my tummy. How come? I wanted to love him too. He was a wonderful guy, but I wasn’t touched by those words. My body wasn’t giving out any pheromones. I just stood there. He had come all the way to my house to tell me that, and yet I had nothing to say to him.

“Lwazi, you’re wasting your time,” I said.

“So you don’t feel the same?” he asked.

I shook my head, but he looked at me unconvinced. Then he reached out and held me, came closer and attempted to kiss me, so I slapped him! How dare he do that to me?

“NO!” I shouted. I stepped back and he got angry. I ran back into the house and watched him leave through the window.

That night, I couldn’t keep playing a part in my dreamless sleep. I tumbled and turned. I was cold, then too hot. My throat felt dry. I couldn’t breathe. I felt as if the walls were caving in. I stood up. I didn’t believe what had come into my mind and I couldn’t stop myself.

I first checked on Mama and kissed her forehead because she was deep in her sleep, but after that, I started running. I knew where I was going. I ran so hard and so fast and I found myself knocking at the door.

He came out and looked at me. He was in shock, yet he smiled and hugged me. We kissed by the first touch. I had simultaneously the best and worst feeling in my stomach, but in his arms, I felt warm and loved and cared for. I spent the night there and in the morning, I woke up in his arms and in his bed. I was happy but yet filled with regret. I looked around until my eyes met his. Something was not right. Something felt so wrong. I just couldn’t point it out, but I wasn’t worried about anything. I loved this guy, nothing else really mattered. Just this moment.

***

Tell us what you think: She is allowing herself to be just as bad as them. Do you think she should put Molutsi into her past?