Since I was at the hospital already checking the baby, I decided to see Baba. I was shocked! He was sober. He was kind and gentle. He apologised. I came alive.

It hit me that I was finally done with school and soon I would have to take care of him and Mama. I was going to be independent and my life would depend on my actions… But the baby?! What would I do with it? Everything would disappear if I was to keep the baby. I had other important things to do. A baby would just make things fall apart. I’d be ruined. Everyone at school knows and I have already been classified as ‘the good girl gone bad.’ Even the teachers could not believe that this was the new Thando Thebe.

This was happening. I feared the days so much. I had to make a hard decision. Two lives were at stake. I couldn’t agree because even though I loved Molutsi, I wanted him to love me because he wanted to, not because he was stuck with me. Not because he was the father of this baby, but because he loved me… with or without the baby.

“I am so sorry my daughter. I got carried away with a life of sin. I guess the accident was more than enough to bring me back to my senses. The fear of death. It scares me to know that I could have died without being able to see you grow into the woman you will become. I want to be alive. For us.” Baba said.

I looked at him as he coughed. I loved the new man my father had become and good riddance to the beast he once was. I was very proud that he had changed and I thought about this as I walked to see the nurse.

“Have you decided yet what you want?” the nurse asked me.

“Yes.” I swallowed hard. My heart rate increased as I heard my heart beat faster and faster. This was it. The big decision. I had to flush one of them; my dreams or this baby.

***

I arrived home late that day. I went straight to bed because I could still feel the pain. Not just the pain from my stomach, but the one in my heart too. Something in me screamed and cried and I felt a part of me die. I saw my dreams and wishes sink to the bottom of the ocean. What would become of my life? Would I be filled with regret?

Would I be one of those people who would scream out: “I was young and naïve!” Would I ever want to turn back to this day and change it? Would my life stay the same? These questions roamed around in my head and brought me the worst sleepless night ever. It was on nights like these that I knew that I was not happy or sad, but I was just…

Empty.

I couldn’t stand the silence of the school in those last days. It seemed that only the seniors had come and only because it was their last year. We would miss this environment. Some of us had learnt here ever since the first grade. There was something special about this school. Not everybody could see it until maybe you had become a senior, and you would see that it held some of the most important years of your life and the most wonderful memories.

Once you got to this stage to understand the beauty of the culture here at school, it would be too late because it would be time to leave this comfortable spot that had become like a second home and move into another that would be a whole new scenario. It was the beauty of growing up and the signs of maturity.

I felt ashamed of myself still. The future I had painted so bright had suddenly darkened and it felt like nothing important at all. What was happening to me?

“Thando, I am very proud of you. Taking care of a baby is a big deal. It takes a lot of courage,” I heard a familiar voice say. I didn’t look back as I walked home.

“Thando?” It sounded like a woman. I turned back and to my shock it was Lerato. She followed me as she spoke of how to keep babies safe and what they needed; and about taking care of yourself, in fact everything my nurse had mentioned. I wanted to tell her to stop! But before I could, I spotted Molutsi and he saw me and came up to us. He kissed Lerato’s cheek and she smiled. I felt annoyed and angry. But then he cupped my face and kissed my lips and I suddenly felt the whole zoo in my stomach again. He was quite happy. I was amazed at his smile. At his glow. He was mine as I was his.

“Look here,” he said as he gave me two tiny blue socks. “They were mine right after I was born. My mother kept them for so long. I want our baby to have them.”

My heart stopped. I looked at his face and suddenly I froze. Tears poured uncontrollably across my face and down to my neck. My throat became sore and I couldn’t breathe.

“I… I… I thought you didn’t want the baby!” I stuttered and he looked at me with his eyes wide open. He read my mind instantly. He turned pink and suddenly his eyes were watery.

“What did you do Thando?” he asked. “I wanted the baby!”

I cried. Lerato just stood there petrified. Molutsi looked at me, waiting to hear the words.

“It’s out!” I said quietly, not believing I had admitted to that.

“YOU KILLED YOUR OWN BABY?!” Lerato shouted, clearly shocked.

Molutsi couldn’t hold back the tears. He didn’t let out his voice, but the tears fell out and rushed quickly.

“Why?” he asked.

“I have dreams. I have ambitions… This baby was going to force me to give them all up. I can’t!” I said.

“But Thando, you said…” he paused. “Why didn’t you tell me? Didn’t I deserve to know? Wasn’t it my baby too?”

“I was doing you a favour. You already have a baby. Isn’t it too much?” I asked, ashamed of myself.

He looked at me and nodded his head simultaneously. “I can’t believe you!” he said to me and he just left me behind, holding Lerato with his other hand.

I did. I terminated the baby because I was under a lot of pressure. How could I have left everything for a baby? A baby is a problem. I needed an education first so that I could secure a career that would help me take care of it. Right now, I had nothing. If the baby were to be born, I would have to provide for it with some kind of a low wage job. I didn’t want that. I would rather be alone right now and struggle for myself than for two. Mr Goldberg would immediately dismiss me and I would have lost an opportunity that I had worked so hard for.

I deserved it. I deserved to be happy. I didn’t need a baby. I didn’t need Molutsi. I don’t care what they think of me. Heartless enough to terminate God-given life, but this is my life, it is my body. I make the decisions. I make my future.

I couldn’t sleep that night, I twisted and turned. I was haunted by a baby’s cry even though I never heard it. I regretted my decision; I hated what I had become. I had become cold hearted. I was devastated and disgusted. I felt dirty and ashamed. I cried silently and my heart felt heavy. I was drained of life and of love.

I stood up and checked on Mama as she lay on her bed. She was not asleep but I heard moans and groans. She was crying. Because of me.

I closed the door silently. I wore my jacket. I dashed out and into the streets and I ran so fast, my feet hurt.

“I am dying,” I cried as he opened the door.

He stood there, shocked at my presence. Maybe he was not used to random girls showing up at his door. My tears had dried, but I had lost my voice from crying. “Are you going to be OK?” he asked me. I smiled and I fell asleep.

I woke up in the morning to noise. I was terrified. I dared not step out of the room until it settled down. As I stood up. I heard Lwazi shout: “I HATE YOU MAN!”

Then I heard another man scream also. “Lwazi, son, please. I’m tired. I’m sorry. Just take this money and give it to your mother because she needs it.”

I got close enough to see them speak. Lwazi was so angry that veins were standing out on his forehead. “She doesn’t need it! She doesn’t need you! We don’t need you!” I saw him there as his fist swung to the man, but the man stopped him instantly. He held his fist and he shook his head. Then he left, leaving the money scattered on the ground and Lwazi shivering in fear. He must have been really afraid of his father.

“I should just leave,” I said alarming him and he turned and looked at me.

He nodded and looked down. “Let me escort you,” he said.

“I hope you are alright now,” he said. I smiled and nodded. “I felt upset because you chose that guy over me, but I’m okay now. I love you and I will support you always…” he paused and swallowed hard “…even if you are not ready to love me, I’m not ready to have you out of my life.”

I stopped and turned back. “Thando!” he said shyly. I looked at him as his eyes searched for mine. I quickly turned away. He came closer and kissed my forehead, then he hugged me and I hugged him back.

“I have to go,” he smiled as he looked back up the street. “But this is not goodbye.”

I was glad he had said that. I didn’t want it to be goodbye either.

***

Tell us what you think: Do you think she is going to give Lwazi a chance now?