I am lying on my bed with my face looking up at the cracked ceiling that will fall on me one day. Tears are rolling down my cheeks, I am thinking about my life. I am tired, I am tired of everything, I am tired of lying, I am tired of pretending to be someone I am not. I am really tired. I don’t see the reason why I’m still alive anymore. Sooner or later my friends are going to find out the truth about me and I will lose them, then my worst fear will creep in. I don’t know how I will repay the money I borrowed; I need 7 monthly NSFAS allowances to pay it. I can’t even ask for help from my parents because I will have to explain why I need the money.

I slowly move the blankets to the side and sit up preparing to get out of bed. I don’t know if I really want to do what I am thinking of doing. I quickly stand up before I change my mind, I open the cabinet, and take a container of tablets. I pour the whole container into my hand, close my eyes, and put them all in my mouth. I really don’t want to do this, but I don’t have any choice. I have already swallowed half of the pills, I am starting to doze off, my vision is blurred, and I am hearing voices. I want to scream but my voice isn’t coming out. My heart is beating slower, I am lying on the floor with my body curled up and knees against my chest. I am suppressing the sharp pain I feel in my stomach, it is getting worse. I can’t feel my body move, is it over? Is my life over?

I wake up in a hospital with machines beeping next to me, my parents are sitting on the other side. My heart starts beating fast, Who bought me here? How did my parents get here? Those questions are running on my mind. “Siviwe…” my mom says my name and starts crying. “What were you thinking? What were you trying to do? What would have happened if you…you…you…” I guess the last word is died. What would have happened if I died? I don’t know what to say or how to react. I am just lying on the hospital bed, looking up.

I have to explain to my parents why I attempted suicide and I tell them everything. I tell them about all my academic and social problems. My dad didn’t understand the loan shark part , he is so angry. He is going on about how I disappointed him. But at least my mom is compassionate and understanding of the whole situation. My dad is now calm and I decide to ask who bought me to the hospital. They pointed at a girl who is sitting on the hospital benches outside the ward. Her face is familiar, but I can’t remember where I know her from. Apparently, her name is Anelisa and she is my floor mate, she came to my room that day to borrow a broom. She knocked and heard someone say “come in” then saw me lying on the floor with foam and bubbles coming out from my mouth and quickly asked for help.

1 month later

After I was discharged and my parents went back home, they wanted me to go with them as they were worried that I will try to harm myself again. I reassure them that I won’t repeat that, Anelisa helped me book a session with the student’s counselling group, I wasn’t even aware of that. I attended a few sessions and they really helped. They got me a free tutor that was going to help me with the modules I was struggling with.

I never went back to my friends; I didn’t tell or explain anything to them. They also didn’t ask anything to show that they never cared in the first place. I decided to focus on myself, I start participating in support groups and going to church. I promised myself that I will never force myself where I don’t belong. I decided to be alone for some time and enjoy my company before getting new friends.

“It is better to be alone than in bad company”- George Washington

Tell us: why do you think it is so difficult for many first years to adapt to university?