I had one friend, her name was Nonhle, we grew up together and she understood me. We were always side by side, she never suspected I might be into guys. I hid that very well, scared of being labelled, scared of being shamed, being called ugly names.

One day I decided to confide in her. Little did I know I was making the biggest mistake of my life.

“Hey, girlfriend,” I greeted on our way to school.

“Hey,” she said, as we shared a hug.

“So, there is something I have been meaning to talk to you about.”

“OK, shoot.”

“I think I am gay and there is this guy I really like in school.”

“Shoo, are you kidding me, Leo? But why did you never say a word about this, aren’t we friends? How long have we known each other? Don’t you trust me?”

Her questions were so many I struggled to even comprehend them.

“OK, OK, one question at a time, jeez,” I said.

“OK, what I really want to know is, who is this guy?” she asked, looking me straight in the eye.

“You probably know him,” I said, rolling my eyes, “his name is Toby Givenson.”

“The Toby Givenson? What makes you think he will fall for you? I don’t really care that you are gay, it is your life and you were presented with it by God to live the way you see fit, but honestly friend, Toby?”

Ouch. I did not expect that reaction from my best friend. When I mentioned the name ‘Toby’ I could swear I saw a frown on her face, but she quickly recovered. Could it be jealousy or was she looking out for me? She was right about one thing though: God gave me this life for a reason. He lets me choose to live it the way I see fit, just like everyone else with theirs.

Days went by without Nontle beside me. I really did not understand her issue. One day I caught wind of the fact that I was the talk of the school. I didn’t know how bad things really were.

I was walking behind two girls when I heard, “Rumour has it that Leo fancies Toby Givenson.”

“You lie.”

I quickly walked past them with stinging tears in my eyes. I had only told Nontle about this, how was it public knowledge? I decided to confront her.

“Nonhle, how could you?”

“How could you fancy a guy that I also like? I thought if I told on you, you would lose interest and just forget about this whole thing,” she confessed.

I was stunned. I expected her to say, friend, I don’t know what you are talking about because I would never in a million years betray you like that, it will be OK, and I love you. Isn’t that what true friends do?

I walked home with a broken heart, not only because of my so-called friend’s betrayal but because I had hurt two people, Milla and Toby, because I wasn’t brave enough to tell them the truth. They would became laughing stocks and I would disappoint my family. I just wanted to die there and then.

Surprisingly, Milla understood. She walked up to me while I was in the library browsing through some books.

“Hey, you got a second to chat?”

“Yeah, sure, but before you say anything, I am really sorry, Milla, for everything.”

“I just wanted to say, I understand and I love you.”

“OK, but you know we can’t be together any more right?” I said, sadly.

“I know and I would like us to remain friends for old times’ sake,” she said, smiling.

We started to spend a lot of time together, time we did not spend when we were an item. I learned a lot about Milla, I could say we were becoming great friends. Toby never confronted me about the rumours. As for Nontle, we never spoke again. My parents took those rumours as just schoolkids trying to tarnish each other’s names, never bothering to investigate if there is any truth behind it all.

With Milla as my new friend I could see my future laid before my eyes. She encouraged me to be patient with myself and attend LGBT workshops. I had faith that one day I would live a free life but I was not going to fake it till I made it any more because I was seeing the light, slowly but surely. We only live once so make the best of that life.

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