My mother, like a flame thrower, hurls insults and concerns that seem to be laced with fire as they reach my ears.

“Charity, when will you grow up and stop your nonsense?” she asks fuming.

“My dear, being a straat meisie will get you nowhere. Lord almighty, what did I do to deserve such a child? I don’t know why I even bother talking to you because your head is hard as concrete. I have been looking after your sister all night because she’s sick…now I mist also worry about you, Charity?”

I say nothing and fade into the darkness of the hall and make it to my bedroom.

Why can’t I be more like Lerato? Why can’t I go back to being that person I was before? It could make them happier, prouder to have me as their daughter, not the way the see me now. Oh how I wish they knew that their happiness and love is all that I wish and long for. If only they knew the secret that I have been carrying around, maybe they might understand me.

But will they believe me, if I told them?

Streams of water run down my face. I don’t make a sound, I just sink into the pillow. I cry and cry but that’s nothing new.

At six o’clock in the morning my mother knocks on my door with the force of a police man knocking for a fugitive on the run.

“Charity wake up and help your sister in the kitchen before we go to church,” she says boastingly.

“Ohk mom, you’re taking Lerato with you to church?” I enquire troubled by the “we” part that is going to church.

“And Charity…”

“Yes ma!”

“We are all going to church today. I don’t want to hear another word from you.”

I get up, church is the last place I want to be but another fight with my mother is also not an option. I get up and brush my teeth. On my way out of the bathroom, Lerato practically runs me over as she makes her way to the bathroom.

I get to the kitchen and help my mother make salads for lunch. Lerato makes the chicken and starts making small talk with me.

“So little sister, have you decided what course you’ll be applying for? I mean you don’t want to wait until it’s too late to apply and then you don’t get space. It will be sad to see your friends leaving for varsity while you stay behind.”

I answer without hesitation.

“I’ve applied at four universities. I think Social Axillary or Psychology will suit me just fine.”

She and my mom give me that shocked face.

On the way to church my heart beat rises for I have not been that place since I was 16. Uncle Tom is preaching so hard that he has foam in the mouth. At first glance, it’s as if he’s suffering from an epileptic fit. He quotes a scripture from the Bible when he sees us.

2 Samuel 13:12 – “She answered him, “no, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel, do not do this outrageous thing. As for me, where would I carry my shame?” But he did not listen to her, and being stronger than she, he kicked her and lay with her.”

My heart rate rises once again and Lerato passes me a tissue.

I had not felt my tears running down. He looked our way and then started talking about forgiveness. He talks about being a man. I laugh and silently ask myself what he knows about being a man. As the sermon continues, he talks about how a man must be a protector, especially to women in his life. About, how a man must be a source of refuge to those around him.

As his sermon continues, I flash back days after my sixteenth birthday. The church walls suddenly close up on me. Gravity seeks not to exist as I feel my head leaving my body. I get up and run out of church. I don’t have to turn back to see my mother’s fuming expression, I just know it.

***

Tell us what you think: What do you think is this secret Charity is hiding? Why did she just run out of church?