17th December 2017. 10:00 a.m. Sunday.

Dear Diary: AM I A LESBIAN?

I was drunk last night. It was my first-ever experiment with booze. I’m not a social butterfly. I never get invited to parties. This is all new to me. Thando invited me to go with her and her girl and a couple of guys from her hood to a street bash. As you know, I can’t say no to her, so I went – me being the fool that I am.

I got there feeling all awkward and out-of-place. I saw Thando with her group and I went to join them. I really don’t like kwaito or house, or whatever they call that music. I’m more of a Bon Jovi girl: some rock and roll, some alternative rock. Anyway, she got me a cider. It tasted funny, but after a couple of minutes I was “plugged-in”. We moved away from the crowd, because she wanted to talk. Her girlfriend saw us walking away and gave me the eye. She never liked me.

Thando told me how she came out to her family and how hard it is for her to be a lesbian in a township. She had to go to the Eastern Cape to help her brother for his initiation ceremony. Initially, I didn’t understand why she was telling me all of this, but I guess it’s because I have a good ear. She feels comfortable with me. Some of the things she was saying were a blur. I guess the cider was doing its job.

The last thing I remember was us kissing, like the deep smooching you see on an 18SNLV movie. (Okay, I exaggerated there!) What? My first kiss, my first party, my first booze experience, and even worse – it was with a girl! Like, I’m not homophobic, I have a stud friend for Pete’s sake, and yes, I love her, I really do have feelings for her (I think). All of this is confusing, like what does it mean? Am I a lesbian as well? Do I like girls? Do I have to cut my hair and start wearing guy’s clothes?

I haven’t spoken to her since last night. What will I say to her when I see her? What about the friendship line that she swore to never cross? Between you and me, I enjoyed it! I mean, she’s my wife (my universe).

25th December 2017. 17:56. Monday.

Dear Diary: MERRY MERRY – SAY WHAT?

“‘Tis the season to be jolly, falalala lalala.” Goodness, how I love Christmas! Oh, what a wonderful season of the year! The spirit is just so jolly and positive. The new clothes, the seven-coloured food, the custard and jelly, the relatives visiting. It’s the only time of the year that I don’t get cross with my parents for drinking.

I went to visit Unathi’s church. It was good; I felt surrounded by angels. I’m not really a churchgoer – I go maybe 4 times a year. I guess it’s because my folks never introduced me to that life, but make no mistake – I was baptised. I love it, but I find it hard to feel at home there. I feel judged for not knowing the hymns and for not going regularly.

Thando was there and we talked after church. We never touched the kiss issue. We had a casual chat and she told me that she left Lerato because they were “not connecting anymore”. We stared into each other’s eyes for a moment, then Unathi came. She isn’t a fan of Thando; she doesn’t understand my friendship with her or lesbians in general.

We talked (Unathi and I) about boys and dating on our way home. I asked her if she has ever had a crush on a girl before. Her answer crushed me, literally. She told me that it was unacceptable and that I should stop hanging out with “the likes of Thando”, because they’ll corrupt me. Can somebody explain how a religious “angel” can be so hateful? I remember asking Bonolo a similar question and she said that she has nothing against lesbians and that if she was a guy she would date me.

Later, after Unathi and I went our separate ways, I bumped into Lerato (Thando’s ex). She told me that I would never be good enough to replace her! The nerve of that girl! She said I should stay away from Thando and fix my life. SAY WHAT?

2nd January 2018. 15:29. Tuesday.

Dear Diary: NEW BEGINNINGS

It’s a new year, another 365 days lie ahead of me yet again. It’s a chance to fix mistakes, to make new ones and to find ourselves. A new dawn is upon us, there’s new hope, the birth of another lifetime. Our past doesn’t matter now as it can’t be rewritten, there are only improvements to be made as we go forward.

Let us appreciate the beauty that exists in us and around us. Let us learn to let go and have optimistic aspirations about the future. Let go of 1948 and look into 2028. Pave the way for future generations and not burden them with the imperfections of the past. Turn over a new leaf and write a good story, one that will multiply in history books around the world. Be the author of your destiny, send out positive thought vibrations and attract what you long for.

They tried to destroy you, Azania. They wanted to suck you dry, to cut your veins and let your blood run through the valleys of a dark world. You refused. You let your strength show that you were and still are a force to be reckoned with. I’m proud of you, my daughter. Keep shining! Continue to give life to revolutionists, fighters, queens and founders of the new world. I am proud of you, Aza. Africa birthed a revolution.

Tell us what you think: Have you ever encountered homophobic attitudes from others? Do you think it’s anyone’s right to judge who a person can or can’t love?