12th June 2017. 15:30 p.m. Monday.
Dear Diary: ANOTHER DIMENSION
I murdered that paper! Physics is me and I am physics, honey! I just love tests and exams. You know it’s just me, my beautiful mind and that paper. You know for those few hours I get recognition; I get to be a star. L.O.L, I get to be “cool”. Everything disappears: Thando isn’t there, the booze isn’t there, those mean slender girls aren’t there, the squatter camp isn’t there. All of that nonsense disappears! I get to be Sir. Isaac Newton’s protégé. The magazine covers, the flaws, New Orleans, my parents’ fight, none of that matters. Dr Ubuhle Bendalo Tyali reigns supreme, I become boss. Yes, in class I am invisible but, in that dimension, I make all the right noise – no, I make all the noise babes!
If only life was an exam paper, I would slay. I’d be untouchable. See, I don’t refer to myself as smart or intelligent. I’m a thinker, I’m a lover, I make love to that paper. I communicate with that paper, it’s not even a paper. It’s like I’m having a debate (and winning) with the examiner. I just love my mind, it’s the only perfection I recognise in my body.
23rd June 2017. 16:37 p.m. Friday.
Dear Diary: FRIENDS SUCK
I just came back from the store and I saw Unathi with Karabo and Tshepi. I feel so betrayed. How could she have greeted me so casually when she hasn’t seen me for 3 weeks? I mean, we stay in the same block, for crying out loud! She knows she’s the only friend I have in this area, but she always puts her prettier and more popular friends first. It’s as if she’s ashamed of being seen with me. I mean, we’re practically the same: both our families are misfits. The only difference is that she goes to church and has a nice figure.
On that note, Bonolo isn’t even subtle about being unkind to me! Yesterday she told me how much people are gossiping about me, heeh! She even pointed out that it’s my fault that the teachers favour me, that I should tell them to stop. You know, at times I even limit myself in the exam just to accommodate her.
My cousin is also a little witch. She has always been a snob, ever since we were young. Like, how is it my fault that I was born in a squatter camp to drunk parents? Am I to blame for having poor communication skills? What does the fact that I’m a thinker have to do with my social life? I’m so done with this life, screw negativity! I don’t need friends in my life. My step-dad doesn’t have any friends and he’s doing just fine (well, except for the fact that he has a drinking problem!)
19th September 2017. 21:50 p.m. Tuesday.
Dear Diary: NOT PLUS-SIZE, I CALL IT FUN SIZE
“Sdudla, heavy weight, DUFF, fatty-boom-boom…” These are some of the names that people call my fellow thick girls. In the past, I used to hate it! It really bothered me. I questioned why I had to look different? Why didn’t I look anything like my three slender sisters and my yummy mummy? I would starve myself at school and pretend not to like food. I remember reading an article about anorexia and bulimia. I thought that I’d found the ultimate solution to my weight issue: to binge eat and puke it all out. Of course, I never went ahead with it, thank goodness.
So today on my favourite TV show they were tackling the topic of body shaming. You know, after that show I just reconnected with myself. I’ve heard of the term “your biggest flaws are your greatest strengths” before, but today it started making sense. All my life, I’ve been living in a box, accepting labels from ignorant people and using them to define myself. Yes, I’m a bit bigger than the “acceptable” size and weight – but who’s to say that there’s an acceptable size anyway?
I have a gift, a blessing. I have a duty to challenge society’s crappy beauty standards. I don’t need to “fit in” anywhere. If I can fit into my size 38 jeans, then babes I’m fine, really. I’m honestly in love with my wobbly bits, my small ears and my love handles. My thick thighs could save a thousand lives.
So, I’m going to kick-start my modelling life: yes, not plus size, but fun size. I have billions of ideas: a clothing range, a campaign, a blog. Watch this space! Ubuhle-we-fun size is about to shine.
Tell us what you think: Have you ever felt betrayed by friends? Have you ever struggled to love your own body?