“I’m trying to be strong, but the strength I have is washing away,” I sing or rather mumble as I wipe away what seems to be the last tear left in me. I lost her once and now I’m losing her again.

It all began four months ago, on one particular day she came back from work.

“I love you mommy, oh mommy…” I was singing so loudly that the house echoed as I sang. I didn’t have the greatest voice but there was no one around.

When mother entered the door I was so surprised, that I almost choked from the big lunch I had just made.

“Isn’t it a bit early for you to be home?” I asked looking at my wristwatch.

“They let me go early today,” she said as she sat down.

“What’s wrong, mother? You don’t seem like yourself,” I told her, sitting down with her.

“Every bone in my body is aching,” she said her face revealing her agony.

“Maybe I should take you to the doctor, mom.”

“I’m fine,” she replied, even though she knew very well she wasn’t fine.

“But, mom…”

“I’m fine baby, stop worrying,”

“If we go now…” but she cut in before I could continue.

“Stop nagging, Mihloti!” she snapped as if she was suddenly no longer in pain.

I stared at her and said nothing. How could she snap at me like that? Why the hell couldn’t she see I was insisting because I cared? Because I didn’t want to lose her again?

I felt as if I could just shout back, but back-chatting never got me anywhere, it just ruined everything. I got to learn that the hard way. I controlled my emotions and looked aside, wiping a tear that appeared uninvited.

“Sorry baby, I didn’t mean to shout,” she apologized calmly, showing remorse.

“It’s fine,” I accepted her apology, smiling falsely and walking to my room.

I went to my room and sobbed. Not because of what she said to me, but because I saw that I was slowly losing my mom. No, don’t think that, I thought to myself. It just can’t be. I comforted myself with what I knew and believed was not true.

I went to sleep that night thinking only about my mom. I couldn’t get her off my mind; she was like a stuck melody in my head. I remembered how supportive she’d been in my life, how she always told me that even the worst days also come to an end.

I thought of her as if she was already gone, as if she’d been taken away from my grasp. I wished I could stop thinking this negatively but I couldn’t. The feeling was almost natural, as if I felt she was gone – really gone.

I was awakened from my thoughts the next day by my phone ringing.

I almost got a heart attack when I saw it was mommy. Mommy never really called me unless it was something really important, and with death thoughts in my mind, I didn’t know what to expect.

My phone died before I could talk her.

I cursed under my breath, regretting that I hadn’t made it sleep in the charger.

I was already late for school so I quickly finished getting ready, and headed for school. I walked slowly, as if I had all the time in the world. On the way I seemed to be really distracted. My body was with me, but my mind seemed to have been wandering overseas.

“Voetsek, you fool!” a taxi driver cursed me.

“U tafa, you’ll die,” said another driver.

Woah, I was standing in the middle of the road, I realised. I was certain my feet were literally stuck to the ground and my voice was no more. I was sure I was dead meat, cars were hooting from both sides but I just couldn’t move.

Drivers were starting to get really pissed off.

“Hey wena slima, you fool, get off the damn road!”

I wanted to answer but I couldn’t. I stood there like a headless fool waiting for death.

“Is jy mal, are you mad?” a guy asked opening his car door.

I didn’t move; I still stood still. My eyes hadn’t blinked and I was standing as if I had seen a ghost.

Time was not on my side. The clock was ticking and I was getting later by the minute. I swear I would’ve stood on that road till the end of time, and drivers were coming towards me. They were going to beat the crap out of me.

Just then, Mbhoni, my classmate came to the rescue.

“Hey,” she said slightly moving me, “are you OK? Mihloti? Hello?” she said moving her hand across my face. But I didn’t move. I was a statue.

She dragged me out of the road to safety.

“Mihloti? kasi iyin, what’s wrong?” she asked with the most sincere voice in the world.

“Where am I? Am I dead?” I asked looking around as if I was lost in a foreign planet.

“No, you’re not dead, but you were almost beaten to death,” she said smiling.

“What happened?” I asked still bemused.

“Can’t explain, we have to run to school,” she said pulling me as she took off.

We ran pretty fast. We got to school fifteen minutes late and that meant we had a grand entrance.

“You’re late, don’t you know what time school starts?” Mr Baloyi asked looking at his watch as if we didn’t already know we were late.

“Sor…”

“Sit down!” he commanded, cutting in before we could explain.

We sat down quietly, I still couldn’t figure out what had happened back there.

“Today we are learning about simultaneous equations,” announced the sir.

He explained the work, but I was busy scribbling on the paper, I wasn’t paying attention at all.

“Wake up!” he said, banging the table. “First you come late and now you’re busy with your own nonsense?” he shouted, attracting all the attention of the class. All eyes were on me; small, big, black and brown.

“Sorry, sir,” I said humbly, sitting up straight.

Man, I was having a bad day, and I couldn’t wait for it to end.

After a long, annoying day, school was over, finally! When I got home my day only turned worse. The door was wide open, and only my mother and I had the key. So why was she back so soon? I asked myself.

All the worry in the world rushed up and made my hands sweat. This could mean only one thing; I was in deep shit.

***

What do you think happened to Mihloti on her way to school? And why is her mother home so early?