Death took you away from me.
Memories we shared remained
and those have become my heartbeat
As heartbroken as I am, they
keep me moving at a snail’s pace
Never had I imagined living without your smile
Your death is an incalculable lasting blow.
I can’t explain the pain I feel in words
But my tears try.
I’m told everything happens for a reason
what an old line (yawn)
When I talk about you
They become uncomfortable
It leads many to say
the most insensitive statements
So I write to you and about you instead
There are a few who care to listen
once in a while
when I feel like talking about your passing
and how it has affected me.
Some have given me a timeframe to grieve
And it seems I am disappointing them
How does one ever get over the loss of their loved one?
I believe you don’t move from grief but you move with it.
Wish many would get this
I will rebuild myself around the loss
And work on being whole again
but I will never be the same.
No doubt about it,
Death of a loved one changes you.
Or rather, it changed me
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you
Or wish you were here
The thought of you is ever present
I feel your absence in the depths of my soul, it hurts.
“Equal rights” by Peter Tosh played
on the radio the other day
I wasn’t even aware that I knew the lyrics
I had a nostalgic moment
I thought of you and how you would whistle
and sing along to this song around the house
The memories are so vivid
I’d forgotten how you influenced
my love for jazz and reggae music.
Oh daddy, those were the good old days.
I will forget not the great man you were
Most caring and funniest I’ve ever known
A peacemaker in the family
Kind and mellow at all times
A born storyteller
I could go on…
My heart swells with pride
when I Thank God for giving me you
Being called your daughter is a privilege
I wouldn’t trade for anything
I will forever be guided by the values you instilled in me
and continue seeking comfort in the fact
that we built a good father- daughter relationship.
The memories will strengthen me
as I continue this life’s journey without you.
It’s exactly four months since we laid you to rest.
And it happens to be Father’s day
I remember calling you every Father’s day
And just as I’m done wishing you well
and thanking you for all you’ve done
You would always mention that I wasn’t the first to do so
Little brother Ndivhuwo would beat me to it.
I’d just laugh it off and let him shine
This is a day I have been dreading for so long
The first since you have been gone
I feel strange, this is yet another trying time for me
A small part of me longs for the recognition this day brings
A bigger part just wishes I could disappear
Isn’t Father’s day for those with fathers?
I whisper to myself (sigh)
I take a moment of silence
The thought hits so hard
I struggle to hold back the tears
rolling down my face like floods
Crying has become inevitable lately
Seeing so many social media feeds
Flooded with messages and recent pictures
of friends with their fathers
I resist the urge to switch off my phone
While hoping I don’t succumb to depression,
anger, self-pity and envy
Lord help me
On this Father’s day
Your first in heaven
where I’m convinced you are
I show my gratitude with words
Thank you Daddy, Thank you Daddy
For your time and unconditional love
You didn’t have to, but you chose to
Fate brought us together and love kept us together
I will forever be grateful
In the words of the late Maya Angelou
“A great soul serves everyone all the time
A great soul never dies
It brings us together
Again and again”
You will always be remembered and celebrated.
As you continue to rest
Know that I will keep you in my heart
where you occupy a special place.
Know I will keep an eye on mum and my siblings
Our home has turned to a house without you
All this is strange and new to us
At least we have each other
Hopefully that will keep us sane
I love you so much daddy.
Happy Father’s day.