“Daddy please don’t go…
I can’t face this lonely road without you.
Daddy please don’t go…
I can’t face this lonely world without you”

Carried the seed of life that initiated my existence
I am so grateful you were assigned to me
Gave me these exotic features

Yet absent for my arrival,
My first heartbreak
My first performance
My first physical violation
My transition to womanhood
My first…everything

But I’m grateful to have seen you now and then
For being the first ghost male figure I was introduced to.
With all the side chicks, demanding job and being sleep-deprived
From all the arguments with mom
I understand it’s nearly impossible to fit me into your schedule

But I’m still grateful
I just wish knowing you came in a form of
Anger, hate speech and non-forgiveness
Oh and I wish they were not so contagious too

I’m grateful for our encounter
Although there are nights I still long for your soft touch
That I have substituted with other women’s sons
Your empty words of wisdom that I’ve filled with binge eating
Days where I need you to love me
Which were replaced with men who left me with empty promises

I am sorry for being a black, African female who does not go according to cultural norms
I am sorry for showing emotion
I am sorry I cannot carry your family name
I am sorry will never be enough nor ever do enough to please you
I am sorry you don’t feel like a man because my mom was cursed in bearing two daughters
Most importantly I am sorry for being me
(I know how much you hated that)
You once even tried to beat it out of me,

However, I am grateful to have seen you and experienced in the shadows

I often wonder how it would have been if you watered the seed you once planted,
And took care of the garden?