I have been single for a while now. And out of boredom, a bit of curiosity, and the need to get back in the “game”, I decided to try Tinder! Boy, it was a ride!

I can’t speak much about the era of fax machines and bell-bottoms back in the 80s because I wasn’t born yet, but dating in Nairobi in the 21st century is not for the faint-hearted. No one prepares you for the series of mishaps that you get when you download the app. And no one warns you of all that you are about to embark on.

I had always thought dating apps were for losers. But here I was, downloading the app, hoping that I didn’t end up as a “WhatsApp forward” by my nosy relatives, or being a meme that warns about the dangers of online dating.

I met many types of ladies on Tinder. Most of these Tinder “dates” made me want to question humanity, encourage celibacy and other weird stuff.

I met some of the best entrepreneurs on Tinder. If you thought that there is a limit to places some women will be money-hunting at, you are wrong.

The first girl’s name was Amber Brook from Nevada, Las Vegas. I don’t know if that was even her real name or not. This particular “money-minded” woman was voluptuous with a big bosom no man can resist. She was a beautiful lass and we started talking after a matchup. She immediately told me that she found me cute. I knew that I was on my way to the finals and asked her when we should meet up. I was ready to speed things up.

She told me we could meet up the very next day! I was in.

To be honest, I fell for it hook, line and sinker, like a fool. I thought I was in love until she sent me an image I thought was a meme. It took a sec but I soon realised what the numbers meant.

It was her bank account number! Jesus wept!

The number was printed boldly for me to see. That was when it hit me, she was really after my money and not my suaveness. The handwriting was on the wall that she was there for business.

She was not the only one.

There was another woman who offered to sell her charcoal to me. Charcoal! You can’t be serious! Then there was another one who tried to sell me multilevel marketing. Another one was job hunting and asked me for employment.

I was at a loss. I just couldn’t understand why women are so complicated!

I’m not one to knock on anyone’s hustle, that’s their choice. But these were just on another level.

And then there were the one-word answers kind of ladies. One of the hardest parts about Tinder is starting conversations. You mull over it and most women’s profile are blank and so you have to get creative and hope to get an answer. I hope all the males are getting my message. So “Hi” doesn’t cut it. It doesn’t, bro.

There was this pretty girl I started a conversation with. I started with “Hi” and the result? I kept on getting one-word reply matches. I wondered whether I was cursed by my ancestors or was it women. Why did they respond with one word at a time? Why?

And then there was the “please buy for me” types of ladies. In Kiswahili we call them, ‘ninunulie kitu’ (buy for me something). After using Tinder for about four days, I felt an urge to uninstall it, but I couldn’t. I was already addicted to women.

There was this pretty girl called Nina. I loved to waste my data bundles or Wi-Fi just to chat with her. But there was a big problem, she was too materialistic. There was a time she showed me an endless shopping list of the things she wanted me to buy before I could meet her.

I thought she was joking but she was dead serious. The only thing I provided were my nifty jokes before I blocked her. Nobody takes me for a fool, I’m from Kenya yo!

I shouldn’t even talk about the types who post fake, misleading photos as their profile picture.
I soon forgot about Nina and I met another match. Stella was her name. She was too attractive. The conversation was great and I thought that I could meet her and probably get married straight away. But I was in for a rude shock!

She wasn’t the girl in the picture. It was actually her friend. She sent me her “real” picture and to be honest, I didn’t find her attractive at all. I think she ruined it for me and I hate lying. I hate lies.

Lastly, the stalker. Two hours after I matched with this girl (I don’t want to disclose her name) she followed me on all social media platforms. All of them! I remember someone telling me that women are super sleuths, but I ignored him. This lady proved him right.

My Tinder name is a single word: Paul. How she found the rest of the letters I’ll never know. The powerful ‘spy behavior’ in women is beyond me! And it’s still a mystery up to now how she did it. We actually met for three dates and she was nice to be with.

This last girl was the one; my wife material. She was the type of girl that I can proudly take home to keep Mama company. We fell in love with each other and we even got engaged.

Next will be the wedding bells chiming and, with the grace of God, little Oballahs running around the house shouting “Mommy” and “Daddy”.

I uninstalled Tinder because I had already found the one. I won’t tell you not to try Tinder, it’s a beautiful place, but it’s not a walk in the park.


Tell us: Have you ever tried dating sites? How did you find them?