I knew from the beginning what I was getting myself into. I knew at some point I was going to end up here. From the minute you waltzed in, I knew that it was bound to happen. I’ve always been a sucker at these things. We got familiar; I wasn’t so sure anymore. You were this beast, this unobtainable, undefinable creature, but something kept my interest. I made it my mission to break down your walls, and if I couldn’t, then climb them up (all the way up). I got to see some bits and pieces; a beautiful mess you were, but the beauty stood out for me. In my ignorance, something strong was developing. Those in my company noticed the spark in my eyes at the mention of your name; apparently you snuck into every topic I engaged in.
I got to experience the beauty that is your mind; you took me to a dimension I would have never thought of stepping into. You challenged not just my thinking but the entire system. You would make jargon sound like sweet melodies. At times, your words made no sense, yet I enjoyed every sound you made. Your hypnosis took me to a danger zone — your “non-existent” soul. You made me question my own intelligence, intelligence pressured me, yet it felt so damn good.
The long phone calls, crazy chats — funny how I hate phone calls but I would do it all night. How you despise literature, but our long chats and late good nights didn’t bother you. The meetings and long chats in the cold of the night, freezing as an iceberg, but the fire in your eyes kept me warm. I wanted more warmth from your eyes. Your sweet words, your skin, your soul.
I mean, I have been here before, but it was never this intense. I mean, I’ve always been the brainy one, but with you it’s like I’m stranded in a foreign land, forced to learn a language I hate, yet it sounds so sexy. I refused to believe it was love; you made it hard for me to believe it was. The signs were there — the gifts, the calls, the trust, the respect, the stupid jokes, or perhaps I was imagining things. Perhaps I was so lost in the journey that I lost sense of the world.
I fail to understand the connection; it’s so strong yet the signal is weak. I mean, you are such a selfish bastard, you are evil, mean, so complex, intimidating, and I’m a baby protecting this heart of mine. Protecting this very innocence, you are after, but yet it seems to scare you. I’m a baby, curious to see what lies behind your act. I hate it; I hate the fact that I care more. I hate the fact that I easily give into your demands; I hate just how short you make me look. I hate the fact that you don’t laugh out loud with me, I hate that I can’t swear around you; the fact that I can’t smack you or threaten to kick you. I hate the fact that I enjoy your dark, formal company; I hate that I shut you out.
I have my walls up too, way too high and strong. I alone have the power to break those walls down. It is too soon to break them; what’s inside is too delicate to risk. Yet, it needs to be fed, to be nurtured and to be freed. It was too soon in the past; it still seems like it’s too soon, but the walls are shaking. What’s inside is fighting to be let out, but the world is roaming with creatures like you. It’s too risky.
If I want to build a strong structure with you, my walls have to come down. All the mess has to be demolished, all the tears poured out and all the demons exorcised. My walls matter first; my own structure needs a good solid foundation. I have to conquer my internal battles, make peace and build it all up. I guess I understand now why you seem so distant. It’s time for me to acknowledge the beauty that is my mess.
Perhaps you are struggling to see through the walls; perhaps you want to reciprocate, yet I seem distant. You are afraid to let what’s inside your walls be exposed; you are also seeking what this precious heart of mine has to offer. Perhaps you are trying to figure it all out, calculating the risks, balancing the equations, trying to solve this mess. You have been trying to make me aware of your willingness, testing if a good foundation can be built. Perhaps I’m too active. None of the things above exist; after all, it’s all in the mind.
We are who we should be, we could be and we will be ….
Tell us: Do you think one needs to break down ones walls before getting into a relationship?