I’m a 21-year-old but I still feel lost in life. I still don’t have anything tangible that I can call mine. I’m solely dependent on myself because I lost my parents when I was pretty young but we move because I hardly knew them. It breaks my heart every second someone talks about how wonderful and down to earth and they always say I have the most wonderful parents. Well I don’t know because they both left.

I can’t really say I miss them because I hardly knew them but I do sometimes when I’m lost in life or when I don’t know what I will eat the next day. It is so sad that I live with a rare condition. Sometimes I hardly understand it myself but because I want to live so bad but I’m always on my medication. I believe I have a purpose in life and I will soon fulfil it. It is hard seeing my peeps go to varsity and travel to study abroad meanwhile I have tried everything but I’m unable to get to university.

I’m a positive person and I’m always happy for other people’s achievements. But it would be nice for a change if someone got happy for me as well. I know my time is coming too. Having to live on a pill is another pandemic on its own. 2020 was a very rough year for me as I was in and out of hospital. I lost half of my weight and looked like a walking zombie with those skeletons showing in my body. I’m always ashamed how I look now. I was not always like this but I always keep my head high. My smile is so bright even though the heart is hurting. But you can’t show people how you really feel because they will use it against you in front of others

One day I was coming from the shop, I greeted an old friend as I was passing by. He replied with a joke and I was laughing but I don’t know where it changed. He started insulting me saying, “Hayi suka ucinga ungumntu wena andithanga nqa, who do you think you are? I don’t care about you!” Immediately my heart sank in water. I quickly went home and undressed, got into my pyjamas and I cried. I was so hurt because I couldn’t get his words off my mind. I took my journal and wrote about it and I prayed about it. I move from it.

On 16 December 2020, my baby daddy’s drunk girlfriend insulted me about bad things, which were not even true. I was hurt because she mentioned my whole family in this. I felt betrayed by my ex whom I had dated for two years and my depression started from scratch. And anxiety disorder got worse that I was hospitalised once again. People said I was crazy because of my depression.

I asked God for many answers like is this the life he chose for me to live on this earth? I have never had a normal day in my life without drama.

It’s even worse now because my baby daddy is no longer supporting the baby, he’s changed against his first child but we move. Someone needs to be matured and take good care of the child. I have longed for my parent’s love so much that I even made bad decisions. I have looked for love in wrong places but now it’s okay because we learn from our mistakes. Love yourself first. Enjoy the relationship with yourself first before you invite anyone else in.


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