This narrative essay piece is part of the FunDza Fellowship Project, showcasing the incredible talent of our 2024 Fellows. These stories were crafted by emerging young writers as part of their journey to hone their skills in storytelling. Each piece reflects their unique voice and creativity. We’re excited to share their remarkable narratives with you!

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Have you ever thought that someone you know, even a stranger, might have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)? From there, you might have diagnosed them with it. I strongly believe a lot of people have been there. I have been there myself. But here’s the kicker: did you fully understand your diagnosis? Let’s unpack NPD together for clarity.

If the person you diagnosed with NPD was in close proximity to you, a mixture of emotions might bubble up within you. It all depends on what they did to you. Anger is most definitely part of those emotions. You are human, so it is very understandable. Eventually, you might replay everything they did to you. Then you may spiral back, often to the starting point of your healing—the healing you had to do because of their behaviour. But what causes them to act this way?

Firstly, it is very common to confuse NPD with narcissism—and vice versa. Let’s clarify:

1. Narcissism is an excessive interest in or admiration of oneself.
2. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, on the other hand, is a mental disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance.

See the difference?

We all exude narcissism to varying degrees. It links to our self-worth and self-confidence. It is important to note that not all narcissists have narcissistic personality disorder. Misdiagnosing people with NPD can lead to unnecessary harm and confusion. Misdiagnoses need to stop. If you think someone might have NPD, have a conversation with them about it instead of jumping to conclusions.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is real. People who have this disorder exhibit traits such as a great sense of self-importance, lack of empathy, self-centeredness, difficulty in seeing themselves or others with authenticity, and valuing status above all. Another kicker: these behaviours are often a result of their upbringing.

Thinking about how people with NPD were raised evokes sadness. Many had to adopt these traits as survival mechanisms. Imagine a child learning to protect themselves from the very people who were supposed to nurture them. This image is both heartbreaking and baffling. Before you rage against them, remember this sad reality.

On the other hand, narcissism is simply a high sense of self-esteem. Narcissists rarely employ manipulative tactics like those with NPD. Social media often portrays people with NPD as villains capable of the most heinous acts. Yes, they have flaws, but to me, they are still wounded children trapped in adult bodies. That child needs to heal. Their inner child needs to feel safe, heard, seen, and protected.

It is important to stop self-diagnosing narcissistic personality disorder and instead educate ourselves about it. If you suspect someone might have NPD, approach the situation with empathy and guide them toward professional help. The “villain stigma” surrounding NPD must end if we want to live in a more understanding and healthy environment.

For decades, narcissists and individuals with NPD have been vilified. Sadly, many parents who despise these traits inadvertently instill them in their children. We must educate ourselves and work toward raising the next generation with compassion and emotional intelligence. The cycle has to stop.

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At Fundza, we value a positive, respectful, and inclusive community where everyone feels safe to share their thoughts. Please remember to keep your comments friendly, constructive, and free from any form of hate speech, bullying, or discrimination. Any comments containing offensive language, personal attacks, or harmful content will be removed, and repeat offenders may be banned. Additionally, do not share personal information about yourself or others. This includes, but is not limited to, phone numbers, addresses, or any other private information. Let’s keep the conversation welcoming, safe, and supportive for all!

The first time I watched porn, I kind of stumbled upon it in my parents’ bedroom. They had this VHS tape with a naked man and woman on the cover, wrapped in an embrace, hidden between the books on their bookshelf. I was eager to see what was on this tape, because something about the way their bodies were entangled made me want to know more. That very next weekend I invited my best friend over to watch the tape together because we both had questions. This tale is a common tale among teenagers, in a study with a group of teenagers by Dignify it was found that the average age teenagers are exposed to porn for the first time is 12. 

Porn is everywhere. 

Yes, it’s true that in the year 2024 porn is so easily accessible that you can type in your latest fetish, and thousands of videos will be readily available, but did you know that porn has been around for thousands of years? Researchers have found rock paintings by the Aboriginals dated around 28 000 years ago depicting naked bodies having sex. Sex has been depicted in our society with whatever materials humans have had at their disposal for centuries. In 2019 Pornhub released their statistics and it showed that their website has 80 000 visitors every minute of every day. I am no mathematician, but if you do the quick maths: 80 000 (visitors per minute) x 60 (minutes in an hour) x 24 (hours in a day) x 365 (days in a year) then it will amount to 42 048 000 000 or in other terms, 42 billion and 48 million porn watchers in one year. People watch porn so much that the number of website hits on one porn website exceeds the number of people on earth. 

You might be thinking, why are people so porn obsessed? This is an interesting place to start, because porn has been used to cause so much damage: people are sex trafficked every day by strangers, by their own family members. Why do we want porn to succeed in a world where it can be used for violence? 

Because porn is just like any industry, if there are regulations in place to protect the sex workers, then the industry could be an ethically sound business. With the number of views porn websites get, porn isn’t going anywhere. Even if we had to criminalise watching porn; people would still find a way to watch it. We might as well start finding ways that will make porn safer to watch and to create. Because let’s face it, just like when I was a pre-teen looking for answers in an old VHS tape, porn is where a lot of people get their sexual tips and tricks to try with their partner from. A lot of people, me included, sometimes use porn to masturbate. Porn can also be a great way for sex workers to make money. 

Porn has been used for good too. In 2016, the state of North Carolina wanted to pass a discriminatory law that bans trans and gender diverse persons from using the bathroom that aligns with their gender identity. In response the adult website XHamster, banned access to their website for everybody logging in from the state of North Carolina until this law was removed. Hardly a couple months later, the power of the porn came through and the law was replaced with a less harsh version of it. Aluta Continua! 

What we need in the porn industry is better regulation, the porn industry at large has come under fire because they don’t effectively regulate the videos that are being uploaded to their sites meaning many videos of underage children being raped and trafficked make it onto these websites before being flagged for being criminal. We need regulation so that sex workers are being paid fairly, so that we can put an end to sex trafficking, because yes, a regulated porn and sex work industry will make working in the industry safer and with proper advocacy will ensure that people know their rights. 

Sex therapist Paul Blumer once wrote that porn addiction can cause erectile dysfunction in otherwise healthy people. This is because while we are watching porn, porn engages our reward centre in our brain, so when otherwise healthy people with penises have sex with another person, they may experience erectile dysfunction. When you are watching porn and masturbating, you are only rewarding your own pleasure centre and not another person. When we have sex with other people we must take their feelings, their insecurities, their energy into consideration. Therefore, it is important to watch it in moderation and not rely on it to experience true connection through intimacy with others. Porn stars are actors and what they do on camera is oftentimes highly choreographed and may provide the viewer with unrealistic expectations. 

Porn can be a really great tool for release; it can also be a tool to engage our innermost fantasies, but if we are not careful porn can be an addiction that can change the way we understand and engage with in sex. Only watch porn from ethical and regulated websites, and for the love of fornication, remember that pirn is fantasy – not real life.  

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At Fundza, we value a positive, respectful, and inclusive community where everyone feels safe to share their thoughts. Please remember to keep your comments friendly, constructive, and free from any form of hate speech, bullying, or discrimination. Any comments containing offensive language, personal attacks, or harmful content will be removed, and repeat offenders may be banned. Additionally, do not share personal information about yourself or others. This includes, but is not limited to, phone numbers, addresses, or any other private information. Let’s keep the conversation welcoming, safe, and supportive for all!

Everyone always tells us to perform safer sex. “Use a condom,” our teachers frequently tell us. “Why didn’t you use a condom?” They ask when something went wrong, but has anyone ever actually told us how to use one? How to make sure it is put on in the right way? It can be daunting to put one on for the first time, especially in front of someone you are trying to whoo in the bedroom. I am here to help you figure out how to get that external condom over your penis, or even a toy. You can even grab a banana or a cucumber if you’re just trying to practise. 

When I was at college there was an exchange student from America and she said that her teachers told her to think of Oprah. ‘Oprah?’ I said. ‘Why would Oprah help you put on an external condom?’ OPRAH is actually an acronym and each letter stands for something, so let’s go. 

O – Observe & Open

Observe the condom packaging for the expiry date. If the condom expired last year, it is not safe to use during sex and you should find another condom. 

My tip is to check the expiration date before you meet up with the person you want to be intimate with because when we are aroused, we might ignore the expiration date in order to have sex. We don’t always think clearly when we are in the heat of the moment. 

Open the condom using your hands. Most condoms have a ridged side that will make tearing it open with your fingers easy. Do not use anything sharp like a knife, pair of scissors or even your teeth. If these sharp items damage the condom, it may not work as effectively. 

P – Place & Pinch

Once you have opened your condom and want to put it on your penis or a toy, remove the condom from the packaging and place it on your erect penis or toy. It is vital here that you ensure the condom is placed in the correct position where the condom can easily roll down the penis. Once you have placed the condom Pinch the tip of the condom, not your penis, to remove any air bubbles. 

R – Roll

Once you have pinched the tip of the condom, roll the condom down the penis or toy. 

A – Action Time

Now that the condom is on safely, you can have some fun Action time. 

H – Hold

Before you remove the penis, hold the condom around the base of the penis, and then safely pull out. If you don’t do this, your condom might slip off your penis as you pull out. 

The last letter is a bonus round.

D – Dispose

Dispose of your condom. You can wrap it in toilet paper before disposing of it in the trash. Remember, condoms aren’t flush- friendly.

Final Tips: 

Just because you don’t have a penis, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t carry external condoms with you if you are sexually active or meeting up with someone who does have a penis. You can even carry internal condoms if you can find them. 

You can only use a condom one time. They are not reusable.

Two condoms don’t work better than one. Do not use two condoms at the same time as the chance of the condoms breaking increases due to the friction. 

Some people are allergic to latex, luckily latex free condoms are available.

Safer sex is every person’s responsibility. 

Remember to always get consent, even when you are in a relationship, and to have fun exploring each other’s bodies. 

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At Fundza, we value a positive, respectful, and inclusive community where everyone feels safe to share their thoughts. Please remember to keep your comments friendly, constructive, and free from any form of hate speech, bullying, or discrimination. Any comments containing offensive language, personal attacks, or harmful content will be removed, and repeat offenders may be banned. Additionally, do not share personal information about yourself or others. This includes, but is not limited to, phone numbers, addresses, or any other private information. Let’s keep the conversation welcoming, safe, and supportive for all!

Watching the latest season of Heartstopper on Netflix brought back memories of a time when I couldn’t bear to look at food. Reading the graphic novel that inspired the show many years ago, I saw my struggles portrayed with such compassion in drawings and words that it moved me to tears. I could never call it an eating disorder because I was never diagnosed with it and words have power. I resorted to saying ‘I have a terrible relationship with food,’ and left it there. It was true.

As I type this, I am having my second cup of coffee and a bowl of crisps. This is my second meal of the day. Don’t ask me what my first meal was because you’re most likely to gasp. My friends sure do. This will bide me until whenever I decide that I feel like having something in my stomach. As a jobless twenty-something living at home, I don’t think about food as much as I’m told I should, which made me realise that I’m still grappling with these issues. Many people, especially young Black people and their families, do not know what eating disorders are and how to tackle them. They are often dismissed as picky or moody eaters in many other cases. But before I can even speak about this information gap and what causes it, it’s essential to explain what eating disorders are and how we can deal with them.

What is an eating disorder?

Eating disorders are behavioural conditions that are characterised by severe and recurring disturbances in how one eats and relates to food. This is often associated with distressing thoughts or emotions, and can seriously affect a person’s physical, psychological and social wellbeing. Since there are different kinds of eating disorders—like bulimia, anorexia, binge eating disorder, avoidant restrictive food intake disorder among others—that means, there are just as many different causes and treatments for them.

I was in my final year of undergrad when I realised that I have a disordered relationship with food. When I was researching this, I questioned what relationship food disorders have with food insecurity and growing up poor. I asked my friends if this was something that happened often because when I was in high school I went through a phase of hoarding food, and would later discover that my side of the disordered eating coin was leaning towards anorexia nervosa. I resisted this label because it’s often associated with fear of weight gain and body image issues, neither of which fully applied to me. I simply harboured guilt and shame whenever I touched food. Over time this guilt turned into disinterest and a low tolerance for food. I find eating, the entire concept of mastication, so laborious, that I often joke to my friends that I would accept it if it were fed to me intravenously. That’s cause for concern, no?

Before Heartstopper, I had not seen the condition being depicted as such. As much as it is prevalent, especially in young gay or queer individuals, male eating disorders are rarely ever spoken about or researched. Disordered eating patterns can be caused by feelings of concern about body weight and shape, and I know many gay boys who feel a certain way about their bodies and have had these tendencies translate to how they view food.

How do you know when someone has an eating disorder?

Eating disorders manifest differently depending on the individual and type involved. Common signs include significant weight gain or loss, having an irrational fear of gaining weight, a fixation on dieting, and rigid eating patterns. Social withdrawal can result from an eating disorder but also serves as a symptom since it disrupts a person’s emotional and social well-being.

Can it be helped?

Since eating disorders normally occur with other mental illnesses like anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and depression, to name a few, they are perfectly treatable. It requires the person to seek help so they can be diagnosed in time and treated accordingly since they can often lead to other physical complications in one’s digestive system, heart conditions, and even liver failure. In many fatal cases, an eating disorder may lead to suicide. When dealt with accordingly and timeously, a comprehensive treatment plan consisting of therapy and nutritional counseling, medical care, and professional interventions, can ensure that the person has a more positive outcome.

It is a journey, and one that can be helped. Reflecting on it makes me realise that the answer is not solid or fool-proof, but very much ongoing and deeply personal. Heartstopper resonated with me because it showed me the complexities of these experiences and the kindness needed to effectively deal with them, especially for young people navigating their identities.

By speaking out about our problems and seeking information and help, we can obliterate the stigma surrounding it. We can help those who may be silently battling this issue and don’t readily have the knowledge to be discerning and ask for help.

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At Fundza, we value a positive, respectful, and inclusive community where everyone feels safe to share their thoughts. Please remember to keep your comments friendly, constructive, and free from any form of hate speech, bullying, or discrimination. Any comments containing offensive language, personal attacks, or harmful content will be removed, and repeat offenders may be banned. Additionally, do not share personal information about yourself or others. This includes but is not limited to, phone numbers, addresses, or any other private information. Let’s keep the conversation welcoming, safe, and supportive for all!

Many of us have heard that sleeping too much is a sign of demotivation. American actor, comedian, and television host, Steve Harvey, famously said that one cannot sleep for eight hours a day and hope to be successful.

The media mogul is not alone in his sentiments. I recall one of my master’s lecturers once telling me that burning the midnight oil is the only way to achieve a goal.

However, these fallacious beliefs are grounded in hustle culture. I believe that overall health and well-being are much more important than temporary wins. Health is wealth, and if you’re unwell, enjoying any worldly successes you may garner over time will be improbable.

When completing my master’s qualification between 2020 and 2021, I worked myself into a stupor. I would sit at my desk for hours at a time, get little to no sleep, eat unhealthily, and consume energy drinks to continue being focused.

While I obtained cum laude, the success was short-lived. I had my moment in the sun and then took on another big academic project while juggling two jobs. I was hustling hard for success, but my mental and physical health was declining, and I became a robot and, gradually, an insomniac.

Since then, I have struggled to manage my stress levels and maintain a healthy sleep schedule, and my health has been significantly impacted by this. I have tried remedying the situation in various ways. I recently downloaded an app called Sleep Monitor to monitor my slumbers, try and exercise daily, and stop scrolling social media at 9pm to relax my body and mind before bed. The culmination of all these habits has improved my health so much.
If you are struggling with maintaining good sleep habits, here are a few additional tips you can try:

Meditate for a few minutes
Try and clear your mind before bed. Having a few moments of mindfulness where you only focus on breathing can be highly beneficial for your overall health. I have tried this for a few nights, and the practice of meditation has helped ease my anxiety so much. Start with five minutes and increase to 10 once you’ve gotten the hang of it. Most importantly, be consistent.

Limit the use of technology
Cell phones and other technological devices can lead to overstimulation. I am embarrassed to recall the number of times I would tell myself that I would only scroll on my phone for 10 minutes, and then set my phone aside at 3am. Be disciplined and try and limit your screen time. If you are a fan of watching series, maybe try and limit yourself to watching only one episode a night, and end your evening off with a page from a calming novel.

Have a (short) bedtime routine
Create a short routine you can follow before bedtime. Now, please don’t try and be too extensive with the number of boxes you’d like to tick before bed because you may be disappointed in yourself if you cannot follow through on one or more items. Instead of saying, “I want to journal every night, meditate, stretch, do a full skincare routine, an everything shower, and exfoliate,” for example, just pick two items off the list and try and be consistent for a week or two before committing yourself to doing more.

I spoke to Cape Town doctor, Rafeeq Fakier, who noted that sleep, a healthy diet, and exercise are fundamental to overall wellness. Dr Fakier also shared that small activities during the day can improve mental and physical health and assist with your well-being:
“You can even just start by walking daily. Small changes can make a big difference if applied over time. Start with 10-minute blocks of walking, and once you have gotten the hang of it, increase over time. This is the case with any good habits – including good sleep.

Sleep is important. If you’re a student or work a high-stress job, there may be times when you must pull an all-nighter or two. However, try not to make sleep deprivation a regular occurrence. Prioritise rest and understand that relaxing your mind and body is a need and should never be seen as a reward.

What are some of the ways you try and have a good sleep schedule?

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At Fundza, we value a positive, respectful, and inclusive community where everyone feels safe to share their thoughts. Please remember to keep your comments friendly, constructive, and free from any form of hate speech, bullying, or discrimination. Any comments containing offensive language, personal attacks, or harmful content will be removed, and repeat offenders may be banned. Additionally, do not share personal information about yourself or others. This includes but is not limited to, phone numbers, addresses, or any other private information. Let’s keep the conversation welcoming, safe, and supportive for all!